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A Full Lashed Brexit Compromise, the Magnum-only Diet and Boiler Suits

FROM a Brexit Backstop compromise guaranteeing full fluttering lashes and the Magnum-only diet, to the post-Brexit fashion must-have, the boiler suit, welcome to This Reporter's weekly news and style round-up.

We commence with gutting news for MPs, as it was announced this week the Commons recess, due to begin on 14th February, would be cancelled to allow more time to sort out Brexit. Concerns were naturally aired over child care - not for MPs; but their children (it coincides with school half-term holidays) - but the real "heart breaker" is for the medley of members who had booked their annual skiing holiday, in Europe presumably. Let's pause a moment in our communications to allow the irony truck to pass on by...
Word has it, some MPs still intend to go on their holidays. Not Chris Grayling, banned from Calais, for yet again exercising the IQ level of a broad bean, by failing to let Port Chief Jean-Marc Puissesseau know of his plans to divert boats to other ports in event of No Deal Brexit. Of course the Transport Secretary will find a way to blame someone else for his almost unrivalled degree of bungledom, in the same way we blame the EU if we fail to secure a Deal. Isn't that right Mr Grayling?
Enter stage left Liam Neeson, Hollywood actor, who swept the cloak of dunderheaded talk off Mr Grayling's shoulders, at least temporarily, by provoking such headlines as "Liam Neeson insists he is not a racist after admitting he wanted to kill a random black man."
The story goes that in his youth Mr Neeson prowled the streets armed with a cosh wanting to seek out a black person to kill, after a black man raped a close friend of his - thus exciting the wrath of the nation this week. Granted Mr Grayling, in terms of the "jaw-dropper" Mr Neeson nearly trumped you, but not quite.
There has been much more talk, inevitably, this week of No Deal preparations. Examples...A third of UK businesses transferring operations abroad, Kent NHS Trust calling for its medical staff to sleep at hospitals overnight to counteract traffic delays, stockpiling of NHS Trauma Packs (normally used in terrorism situations), a piling up of putrefied rubbish and schools being urged to be "flexible" in what dinners they serve.
But no story has struck more of a chord than the news Unilever is currently stockpiling Magnum ice-creams. The company said it was importing extra supplies in the event ports grind to a halt and social media lit up saying, at least this company was getting its priorities right. Thus paving the way, no doubt, for a guilt-free - because needs must - Magnum-only post-Brexit diet. The 2019 equivalent of rationing with its own hashtag, #Mag-xit.
Meanwhile, with just 50 days to go until exit, Prime Minister Theresa May has set up an "Alternative Arrangements Working Group" (arguably a good round two years too late). It comprises a cross-party group of Remainers and Leavers appointed to come up with an alternative to the highly-contentious Irish "Backstop" - which its many critics fear will get us stuck in a customs union FOREVER. But thus far, the group seem more naturally bent towards coming up with alternative arrangements to finding anything that works.
Enter our old friend Max Fac (Maximum Facilitation) resurrected from the bin of useless things from which it was once cast, and back onto the table as a technological solution to the "Backstop" saga. This Reporter has always been put in mind of a gigantic mascara wand, barring the way. But this flight of fancy frankly pales into nothing compared to the actual reality of Maximum Facilitation, on basis the technology on which Max Fac pins all success does not, and is unlikely ever to, exist without clumps.
Mrs May however, despite a number of her more significant colleagues - the ilk of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt and Commons Leader Andrea Leadsom - admitting the Government probably needs to extend Article 50 to give them more time, remains outwardly chipper saying: "I'm determined to deliver Brexit, and determined to deliver on time - on March 29th 2019." Under any other circumstances it would seem condescending to question whether Mrs May's desk calendar is up-to-date.
To check in with how the EU are viewing this latest chapter in the Brexi-Shambles, Donald Tusk said, yesterday (Wednesday), there's a special place in hell for those who promoted Brexit without a sketch of a plan of how to carry it out safely. This Reporter takes this as evidence we may have actually gone up a notch in the EU's ratings.
Finally, this week's style pick is a boiler suit, just like this one from Givenchy, which fashion forecasters predict will be the key wardrobe addition for the spring/summer 2019 season. And would you believe, we actually have former Prime Minister Winston Churchill to thank for the popularity of said boiler suit. Mr Churchill wore them throughout the war years during air raids but also, apparently, modelled specially made pin stripe and green velvet ones for formal occasions like meeting presidents.
This is excellent news for the corner of society currently bellowing: "We survived the blitz, we can survive a No Deal Brexit" - despite being at least one generation removed from actually having experienced world war conflict. Whilst for those more rational types, it certainly seems the ideal clobber to face imminent dystopia in, after being road tested for practicality and style points not only by Churchill but in more recent memory, Challenge Anneka. Just substitute her walkie talkie for a Magnum.

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