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Showing posts from March, 2019

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan.
Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake.
Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix.
That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile March…

The country petitions Theresa May to give it up - and yet on she flounders

THE QUESTION is, between Prime Minister Theresa May going into the EU Summit yesterday (Thursday) with the plan of extending Article 50 until June 30th, and her leaving the EU Summit with the news Brexit had been delayed by a mere fortnight to April 12th, what did Mrs May do to shrink the time frame to such an extent that it mimicked cash being drained through a daytime quiz show prize totaliser? As usual the answer lies not in what Mrs May did, but rather what she did not do.
Her address to EU leaders was, according to feedback, "90 minutes of nothing" as she failed to convince them she had a plan to avoid a No Deal Brexit, should her own deal, inevitably, be voted down by Parliament. An insider commented: "Asked three times what she would do if she lost the vote, she couldn't say. It was awful. Dreadful. Evasive even by her standards."
After several hours, the EU decided "she didn't have a plan so they needed to come up with one for her". They a…

Theresa May hypnotises the nation - "It's not me, it's them"

BACK in 2014 Theresa May, then Home Secretary, met spoon-bending psychic Uri Geller and he predicted she would one day become Prime Minister. It also transpires he bestowed upon her the gift of hypnotism.
In a live broadcast to the nation yesterday evening (Wednesday) Mrs May took to the podium and began with the words: "You are feeling very sleepy", before this pile of drivel commenced...
"Of this I am absolutely sure; you the public have had enough. You're tired of the infighting. You're tired of the political games and the arcane procedural rows. Tired of MPs talking about nothing else but Brexit, when you have real concerns about your children's schools, our national health service, knife crime.
"You want this stage of the Brexit process to be over and done with. I agree. I am on your side. It is now time for MPs to decide."
The reaction to this speech has not been kind, encapsulating as it does many flaws - namely Mrs May's extraordinary a…

Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short exten…

Bercow Bans Brexit Vote 3, Tram Shooting and the Tortoise Illusion Cake

FROM John Bercow banning a third Brexit vote and another suspected terrorist attack - this time on a tram in Utrecht - to the ultimate in tortoise illusion cakes (spoiler alert: it wasn't a cake) welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

Some have called it a massive spanner in the works, others a "constitutional crisis", whilst those more scholarly types have plumped for "Erskine Mayhem". Either way we are all talking about Common's Speaker John Bercow making the "shock" announcement yesterday (Monday) he was banning Prime Minister Theresa May from putting her Brexit deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time, unless it underwent substantial changes.
What Mr Bercow appears to have done is got the PM on an historical technicality. Quoting from the guide to parliamentary procedure, Erskine May (no relation to our leader) he said the Commons could not be "repeatedly asked to pronounce" on the same question.
Inevitabl…

NZ Gun Ban, March to Leave and the YouTube Giraffe Baby

FROM gun reforms after the Christchurch mosque shooting and Nigel Farage's non-committal March to Leave, to the YouTube baby giraffe sensation, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has pledged gun law reforms just days after an attack on mosques left 50 people dead. Australian Breton Tarrant, a self-described white supremacist, has been charged with murder following the shootings at two mosques in Christchurch on Friday (March 15th).
Police say the 28-year-old used military-style assault weapons modified to make them more deadly for the attack - which is legal under current laws. Ms Ardern said her Cabinet has backed gun law changes in "principle" but it could take several more days to make such complex changes to the law.
Another Brexit week opens with speculation Theresa May will put her deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time (lucky). The Prime Minister will need to convince 75 MPs to change thei…

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…

Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: &q…