Skip to main content

Bercow Bans Brexit Vote 3, Tram Shooting and the Tortoise Illusion Cake

FROM John Bercow banning a third Brexit vote and another suspected terrorist attack - this time on a tram in Utrecht - to the ultimate in tortoise illusion cakes (spoiler alert: it wasn't a cake) welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

Some have called it a massive spanner in the works, others a "constitutional crisis", whilst those more scholarly types have plumped for "Erskine Mayhem". Either way we are all talking about Common's Speaker John Bercow making the "shock" announcement yesterday (Monday) he was banning Prime Minister Theresa May from putting her Brexit deal before Parliament for meaningful vote a third time, unless it underwent substantial changes.
What Mr Bercow appears to have done is got the PM on an historical technicality. Quoting from the guide to parliamentary procedure, Erskine May (no relation to our leader) he said the Commons could not be "repeatedly asked to pronounce" on the same question.
Inevitably there has been much discussion about Mr Bercow's motive, known as he is to be anti-Brexit, headlined in main part "when did the Speaker's post become so downright political". But the main train of thought running through the House right now is how to get around this - with the more revolutionary types saying, let's just vote on the deal regardless. All This Reporter can say is this latest development, with just ten days to go until exit, seems perfectly fitting to the narrative thus far of this crock of bones Brexit story.
Over to the Netherlands and scenes unfolded yesterday (Monday) which led officials to believe the city of Utrecht was the latest location to be targeted by a terrorist shooting. Shots were fired on a tram passing through the city that morning, with reports several people had been injured and the gun man was now on the run.
It later emerged after much panic and lock down of the city - swift as it came on the back of the Christchurch mosque terrorist attack in New Zealand - that the shooting had erupted over a "family dispute" which saw the gun man target one woman on the tram, before turning on passengers who tried to help her. Gokmen Tanis, from Turkey, has since been arrested on suspicion of murdering three people and injuring five others.
Labour MP David Lammy has been single-handedly blamed for the drop in donations to this year's Comic Relief. Last week's fundraising extravaganza raised £8million less than a similar effort in 2017 and putting aside rational thought, Conservative MP Chris Philp decided to put all blame on the shoulders of Mr Lammy, who made the news in past week's for lambasting the charity for relying on "white saviours".
Mr Philp tweeted: "Pathetic manufactured indignation from @DavidLammy has caused £8million less money to be raised for charity. The cost of his absurd posturing is real...He should fulsomely apologise to stop a repeat next year".
To recap, Mr Lammy had struck out at images of documentary maker, and Strictly champion, Stacey Dooley pictured cuddling an African child, complaining this created a "distorted image of Africa which perpetuates an old idea from the colonial era".
As for remorse, Mr Lammy was not to be drawn to apologise, instead dropping a cheeky tweet about what else he could be blamed for in the same unfounded manner. It read: "To be fair since I've become MP for Tottenham sea-levels have risen, Trump has become President, and England still hasn't won the world cup since '66.  Coincidence?"
Finally, but by no means less importantly, an attempt to smuggle three live tortoises into Berlin disguised as cakes has been thwarted. A 69-year-old was stopped in his tracks by security staff at Schonefeld airport after trying to sneak the tortoises through "nothing to declare" in a pastry box.
The tortoises' shells could brazenly be seen through the plastic packaging of the container but the man tried to pass them off as edible chocolate tortoises designed to look realistic. It shortly transpired rather than cakes these were in fact live Moroccan tortoises, officially an endangered species.
This Reporter was still trying to get confirmation as she went to press, whether this discovery was made when someone tried to take a bite.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020.

Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain.
The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards.
With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when the…

CBeebies' daydreams, dog dining and the & Other Stories lounge shirt

This reporter invites you to grab your favourite teddy bear, guzzle up your warm cup of milk, snuggle down under the blankets and get ready for a bedtime story. If you are lying comfortably, she will begin...

Once upon a time in a land far away, accessed only by a button on the TV remote, there was a children's television channel called CBeebies. Home to a hodge podge of colourful characters with funny names like Yakka Dee, Boj and the Twirlywoos. This children's TV channel was a godsend to many a time-poor, life-frazzled parent but the equivalent of a shot glass of e-number laced fizzy pop to the goggle-eyed, bullish monsters it had been sent to earth to entertain.

Station masters behind CBeebies realised this sort of stimulus could not go on. Parents had reported having to go to drastic measures, such as shovelling chocolate buttons down their children's throats, to deal with the inevitable pick-me-ups and crashing lows of the channel's televisual output and so they …

Rudd's resignation, Trump's visit and Kat Von D's indestructible eyeliner

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Donald Trump is coming to town.

More about that later. First, some serious news. (This reporter puts on her most sensible of news reading glasses). The Guardian reports today (Monday) that Amber Rudd has "dramatically" resigned as home secretary after "repeatedly struggling to account for her role in the unjust treatment of Windrush generation migrants."

The documenter of our times continues: "The home secretary was forced to step down after a series of revelations in the Guardian over Windrush culminated in a leak on Friday that appeared to show she was aware of targets for removing illegal migrants from Britain.

"The pressure increased late on Sunday afternoon as the Guardian revealed that in a leaked 2017 letter to Theresa May, Rudd had told the Prime Minister of her intention to increase deportations by 10 per cent - seemingly at odds with her recent denials that she w…