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Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short extension to Article 50 - amounting to around three months. Just enough time for the population to stock up on toilet roll and fight for the last tin of spaghetti hoops left on the supermarket shelf, but in reality, very little else.
Mr Barnier meanwhile has already said the EU will only agree to extending Article 50 if the government can show "quid pro quo" how it means to use that time - not simply further procrastination. So good luck Mrs May with the convincing. Brexiteers meanwhile are gleefully starting their No Deal countdown clock.
In side news we learn France's minister for European affairs, Nathalie Loiseau has named her cat Brexit due to its indecisive nature. She says: "He wakes me up every morning meowing to death because he wants to go out and then when I open the door he stays put, undecided and then glares at me when I put him out". Readers, This Reporter would put her loo roll stockpiling money on there not really being a cat. This is just another dig.
In more reasonable news we are told Tory MPs have vowed to quit if Boris Johnson becomes party leader. With the government convinced Mrs May's days are numbered, in light of recent events, talk has inevitably turned up a notch on who could replace her.
Mr Johnson is apparently the favourite - crucially amongst Brexit backing activists - but faces an uphill battle convincing Conservative MPs he could do the job following a litany of gaffs. Most recently comments suggesting money spent on historic child sex abuse cases was being "spaffed up the wall". Others say Mr Johnson is the only contender with "star quality". "Who outside of Westminster has heard of Dominic Raab", they add.
Mr Raab, however, one of several former Brexit secretaries, has his own website, logo and slogan all set up. Wait for it - "Ready for Raab". Other contenders include Esther McVey, David Davis, Michael Gove, Andrea Leadsom. To be honest anyone who currently, or formerly, has held a Cabinet position. One minister confided: "No one is talking about anything else but the leadership in the tea rooms."
Out in the real world, if the tabloid press is to be believed, no one is talking about anything but 70-year-old Prince Charles' "impressive" beach body. The heir to the throne has found himself, in all his swimsuit glory, splashed across the front pages of the red top rags this morning (Wednesday) after being snapped taking a break from his "hectic schedule" with Camilla in the Caribbean.
To quote The Mirror: "Prince Charles wowed onlookers by stripping off on a Barbados beach to reveal a rather impressive muscular frame". The article goes on to explain that "former military man" Charles is renowned for being very active - he is an avid polo player, goes on regular hikes and has a regular fitness regime including push-ups and crunches before bed.
Her Majesty the Queen has been contacted for her opinion on her son's objectification. Prince Philip's comment came back swift and to the point, simply: "Go on my lad".

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