Skip to main content

Brexit Crisis, Boris "Spaffed" Johnson and Prince Charles' Beach Bod

FROM MPs' dawning revelation that yes, Brexit is in crisis and Boris Johnson's leadership bid "spaffed up a wall", to Prince Charles' "impressive" beach bod, welcome to This Reporter's daily news round-up.

"It's like the last days of Rome". A direct quote there, which shows at long last MPs have cottoned on to what the rest of the country/Europe/the world could have told them months and months (and months) ago -  Brexit is at crisis point.
Prime Minister Theresa May herself admitted that things were not going quite according to plan yesterday (Tuesday) and, to be frank, exiting the European Union on 29th March (next week) probably wasn't going to happen.
But instead of taking some form of useful action to try and sort this crisis out, she has decided to make a move which will only takes things from shockingly bad to unfathomably worse. This Reporter refers to Mrs May writing to EU Chief Michael Barnier to request only a short extension to Article 50 - amounting to around three months. Just enough time for the population to stock up on toilet roll and fight for the last tin of spaghetti hoops left on the supermarket shelf, but in reality, very little else.
Mr Barnier meanwhile has already said the EU will only agree to extending Article 50 if the government can show "quid pro quo" how it means to use that time - not simply further procrastination. So good luck Mrs May with the convincing. Brexiteers meanwhile are gleefully starting their No Deal countdown clock.
In side news we learn France's minister for European affairs, Nathalie Loiseau has named her cat Brexit due to its indecisive nature. She says: "He wakes me up every morning meowing to death because he wants to go out and then when I open the door he stays put, undecided and then glares at me when I put him out". Readers, This Reporter would put her loo roll stockpiling money on there not really being a cat. This is just another dig.
In more reasonable news we are told Tory MPs have vowed to quit if Boris Johnson becomes party leader. With the government convinced Mrs May's days are numbered, in light of recent events, talk has inevitably turned up a notch on who could replace her.
Mr Johnson is apparently the favourite - crucially amongst Brexit backing activists - but faces an uphill battle convincing Conservative MPs he could do the job following a litany of gaffs. Most recently comments suggesting money spent on historic child sex abuse cases was being "spaffed up the wall". Others say Mr Johnson is the only contender with "star quality". "Who outside of Westminster has heard of Dominic Raab", they add.
Mr Raab, however, one of several former Brexit secretaries, has his own website, logo and slogan all set up. Wait for it - "Ready for Raab". Other contenders include Esther McVey, David Davis, Michael Gove, Andrea Leadsom. To be honest anyone who currently, or formerly, has held a Cabinet position. One minister confided: "No one is talking about anything else but the leadership in the tea rooms."
Out in the real world, if the tabloid press is to be believed, no one is talking about anything but 70-year-old Prince Charles' "impressive" beach body. The heir to the throne has found himself, in all his swimsuit glory, splashed across the front pages of the red top rags this morning (Wednesday) after being snapped taking a break from his "hectic schedule" with Camilla in the Caribbean.
To quote The Mirror: "Prince Charles wowed onlookers by stripping off on a Barbados beach to reveal a rather impressive muscular frame". The article goes on to explain that "former military man" Charles is renowned for being very active - he is an avid polo player, goes on regular hikes and has a regular fitness regime including push-ups and crunches before bed.
Her Majesty the Queen has been contacted for her opinion on her son's objectification. Prince Philip's comment came back swift and to the point, simply: "Go on my lad".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Netflix glances, America's first ladies united and the Burberry graffiti skirt

"Am I pointing it the right way?" will be the constant refrain at film studios now Netflix has introduced a 'five second rule' on set to stamp out sexual harassment post-#MeToo. In complete contravention of this new rule, let's take a closer look... Netflix, the streaming devise, has introduced a whole raft of anti-harassment measures in wake of the #MeToo social media uprising against the likes of film producer Harvey Weinstein. These include not looking at anyone for longer than five seconds, no lingering hugs, no flirting and no asking for a colleagues phone number. Also any 'unwanted' behaviour should be reported immediately. An on-set runner, speaking to the media, said: "It has sparked jokes with people looking at each other and counting to five, then diverting their eyes." There is of course the worry about how actors will ever 'get it together' and thus fill our gossip pages. But this reporter is first and foremost concern

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal. Monday 13th May and   get your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America