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Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: "Smash that bell", she will yell, before arguably getting a bit carried away with it: "Make that bell call them daddy". In this case George VI.
Then there is the grandma so desperate to be queen she sat on an ice throne-shaped glacier washed up on a beach in Iceland, for a photograph. Judith Streng had to be rescued by the coast guard when a large wave washed her out to sea. So if either Victoria or Judith could step up to the plate, that would be grand. Because the crucial question is, Victoria, did we all subscribe to this...?
We commence with the scurrilous revelation that Prime Minister Theresa May has been bribing Labour MPs to vote for her Brexit deal. First there was the news hard-up Labour towns in the north of England and the Midlands were to receive a £1.6billion funding boost, swiftly followed by the concession that MPs would get to vote on any changes to UK workers' rights. The bottom fell out of Mrs May's dastardly plan rather quickly as it emerged the "Stronger Towns Fund", already a pittance, will be paid out over a extended period of seven years.
The man who hit Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn with a egg has been charged with assault by beating (no sniggering). Mr Corbyn was visiting a mosque in Islington North for "Visit My Mosque Day" when John Murphy, a pro-Brexit campaigner, shouted, ambiguously: "When you vote you get what you vote for", before laying the egg on him. Mr Corbyn was unhurt, reportedly.
Despite all glaring evidence to the contrary, Mrs May insists there is no direct correlation between a stark increase in teen knife crime and police cuts. But the former Home Secretary, not known for her up front patter at the best of times, is bound to say that isn't she? Mark Burns-Williamson, the Chairman of the Police Association said, on the contrary, cuts to police numbers nationwide and cuts to youth services had created a "toxic mix".
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has cocked up again this week - twice. Eurotunnel received an out of court settlement to the tune of £33million from the government after Mr Grayling failed to consider them for the pizza ferry contract. Whilst as it turns out when Mr Grayling was Justice Minister, he wasn't so hot at that either. The part-privatisation of the Ministry of Justice under Mr Grayling's watch has not only proved "extremely costly" - £171million - but the number of people reoffending has gone up. Labour labelled Grayling an "international embarrassment" and called for his sacking.
Reports suggest Mr Grayling is turning his attention to the country's potholes next. No wonder the booze cruise is back in fashion.
Labour MP Jess Phillips has tweeted her intention to leave her son on the steps of 10 Downing Street, presumably to be babysat by Mrs May and her Cabinet, following the news primary schools in her Birmingham Yardley constituency were closing at lunchtime on Fridays in order to save cash. Ms Phillips demanded Mrs May and Education Secretary Damian Hinds take responsibility for this situation and visit her area to see just how cuts in school budgets had impacted.
She continued: "Every parent whose children's school shuts early on a Friday how about I get some coaches and we leave our kids one Friday afternoon in the foyer of the @educationgovuk?"
Meanwhile, amidst pie-in-the-sky chatter the UK has secured a trade deal with America, food critic Jay Raynor has said we should tell the US where to stick their chlorinated chicken. Mr Raynor, best known for dishing out mouthfuls on Masterchef, commented it was "risky stuff" before launching a no holds barred tirade on the Brexit process. "We know that Brexit is all downsides. It is often called an act of national self-harm, but letting in chlorine-washed chicken would be literally harmful to the health of the nation. It makes me sick, in so many bloody ways".
We conclude with this prophetic tale - a mini paradigm of Brexit if you will. A man stranded with his dog in snow in central Oregon for five days survived by eating taco sauce packets and starting his car's engine periodically, in order to keep warm. Jeremy Taylor was finally discovered by a snowboarder and brought out of the woods on a large tractor. On Facebook after the event, Mr Taylor typed: "Thank-you everyone. I'm safe, my Ally dog is safe. I really appreciate all the help. Got lucky. Let's never do that again".

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