Skip to main content

Stranded in Brexit Britain - A Taco Sauce Survival Tale

WITH three weeks to go and about as much readiness as you can fit into a Borrower's knapsack, the pressing question remains, who is going to stop Brexit? The obvious candidate, not to go all Rees-Mogg on you, is the Queen. Who in theory, if not in practise, has the power and from previous allusions, thinks Brexit a load of piffle.
Failing the Queen, who let's face it has her hands full as a member of the sandwich generation - wrangling the car keys out of Prince Philip's mitts on the one hand and helping Meghan practise for her hypno-birth, on the other. If the Queen is not available there are "dupes" for her.
Victoria Beckham is to deliver a Queen's Speech on "Christmas Day" in March to launch her YouTube channel, on basis these speeches are "quite popular" and as we are constantly reminded by those around her, Mrs Beckham is witty and self-deprecating. Highlights will include her rallying cry to get people to subscribe to her channel: "Smash that bell", she will yell, before arguably getting a bit carried away with it: "Make that bell call them daddy". In this case George VI.
Then there is the grandma so desperate to be queen she sat on an ice throne-shaped glacier washed up on a beach in Iceland, for a photograph. Judith Streng had to be rescued by the coast guard when a large wave washed her out to sea. So if either Victoria or Judith could step up to the plate, that would be grand. Because the crucial question is, Victoria, did we all subscribe to this...?
We commence with the scurrilous revelation that Prime Minister Theresa May has been bribing Labour MPs to vote for her Brexit deal. First there was the news hard-up Labour towns in the north of England and the Midlands were to receive a £1.6billion funding boost, swiftly followed by the concession that MPs would get to vote on any changes to UK workers' rights. The bottom fell out of Mrs May's dastardly plan rather quickly as it emerged the "Stronger Towns Fund", already a pittance, will be paid out over a extended period of seven years.
The man who hit Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn with a egg has been charged with assault by beating (no sniggering). Mr Corbyn was visiting a mosque in Islington North for "Visit My Mosque Day" when John Murphy, a pro-Brexit campaigner, shouted, ambiguously: "When you vote you get what you vote for", before laying the egg on him. Mr Corbyn was unhurt, reportedly.
Despite all glaring evidence to the contrary, Mrs May insists there is no direct correlation between a stark increase in teen knife crime and police cuts. But the former Home Secretary, not known for her up front patter at the best of times, is bound to say that isn't she? Mark Burns-Williamson, the Chairman of the Police Association said, on the contrary, cuts to police numbers nationwide and cuts to youth services had created a "toxic mix".
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has cocked up again this week - twice. Eurotunnel received an out of court settlement to the tune of £33million from the government after Mr Grayling failed to consider them for the pizza ferry contract. Whilst as it turns out when Mr Grayling was Justice Minister, he wasn't so hot at that either. The part-privatisation of the Ministry of Justice under Mr Grayling's watch has not only proved "extremely costly" - £171million - but the number of people reoffending has gone up. Labour labelled Grayling an "international embarrassment" and called for his sacking.
Reports suggest Mr Grayling is turning his attention to the country's potholes next. No wonder the booze cruise is back in fashion.
Labour MP Jess Phillips has tweeted her intention to leave her son on the steps of 10 Downing Street, presumably to be babysat by Mrs May and her Cabinet, following the news primary schools in her Birmingham Yardley constituency were closing at lunchtime on Fridays in order to save cash. Ms Phillips demanded Mrs May and Education Secretary Damian Hinds take responsibility for this situation and visit her area to see just how cuts in school budgets had impacted.
She continued: "Every parent whose children's school shuts early on a Friday how about I get some coaches and we leave our kids one Friday afternoon in the foyer of the @educationgovuk?"
Meanwhile, amidst pie-in-the-sky chatter the UK has secured a trade deal with America, food critic Jay Raynor has said we should tell the US where to stick their chlorinated chicken. Mr Raynor, best known for dishing out mouthfuls on Masterchef, commented it was "risky stuff" before launching a no holds barred tirade on the Brexit process. "We know that Brexit is all downsides. It is often called an act of national self-harm, but letting in chlorine-washed chicken would be literally harmful to the health of the nation. It makes me sick, in so many bloody ways".
We conclude with this prophetic tale - a mini paradigm of Brexit if you will. A man stranded with his dog in snow in central Oregon for five days survived by eating taco sauce packets and starting his car's engine periodically, in order to keep warm. Jeremy Taylor was finally discovered by a snowboarder and brought out of the woods on a large tractor. On Facebook after the event, Mr Taylor typed: "Thank-you everyone. I'm safe, my Ally dog is safe. I really appreciate all the help. Got lucky. Let's never do that again".

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Pizza Express and Boris Johnson's 99 problems, but the ditch ain't one

THE MAJOR talking point of the week has been whether Pizza Express is set to go down the swanny. The pizza restaurant chain known, according to This Reporter's private lexicon, as "posh Pizza Hut" revealed it is currently battling £1.1billion worth of debt, which equates to a mammoth £1.6million per restaurant, and in turn, a heck of a lot of dough balls.
The plight of Pizza Express follows on from the news of Thomas Cook going under in the last few weeks and historically matches the tales of woe experienced by high street stalwarts BHS and Woolworths, which are alas no more but, especially in the case of Woolworths, still much bereaved.
Where else, This Reporter ponders could you buy a pick 'n' mix, a cassette tape of Ant and Dec's "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" and a toilet brush in one fell swoop?
Which leads to a serious piece of social commentary, which This Reporter has been keeping under her hat to be revealed at an appropriate time - deemed…

TV Presenter Phillip Schofield announces he is gay and a fox runs amok in Parliament

FROM TV presenter Phillip Schofield announcing he is gay, to the fox who ran amok through the Houses of Parliament, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 7th February 2020.
Phillip Schofield, the co-presenter of ITV's This Morning programme but who leapt to fame in the broom cupboard, has come out as gay. In a statement released on This Morning's Twitter account, the presenter, who has been married to his wife for almost 27 years, paid tribute to his family. He said: "With the strength and support of my wife and my daughters, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am gay". He wrote about his "inner conflict" but at the same time talked of  "a world that has changed so much for the better." He added: “Every day on This Morning, I sit in awe of those who have been brave and open in confronting their truth - so now it's my turn to share mine". Schofield married Stephanie Lowe in 1993 and they have two adult daughters, Mo…

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..."

Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again.

So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home".

The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations.

Try the Ophelia cocktail ring, available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats' sword.…