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"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan.
Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake.
Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix.
That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile March for Leave. How many miles did you complete he asked , "two?" Whilst Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has "astounded" his staff by completing 15k runs whenever his schedule allows him in preparation for Prime Ministership, as talk of a general election looms. "It makes me worn out thinking about it", said an insider. There is also the small matter of Mrs May pledging to resign as PM in exchange for Commons' backing of her deal but somehow she even manages to mess that up.
But before we completely despair - if you're not past that particular post already - let's hark back.
It's Monday (March 25th), the week of previously scheduled exit, and House business is devoted to coming up with a Brexit plan. (Thus could follow a whole stream of exclamation marks.) This was after Mrs May was forced to admit she didn't have enough support to bring back vote three on her deal - though she added that perhaps she still might, as is her way. But she certainly would not be handing Parliament a "blank cheque" to decide what happens next. Whoops...
Because, according to (overtly) sensational front page splashes, Parliament "seized control" of Brexit proceedings on Monday evening by giving the go-ahead to a series of indicative votes on alternatives to Mrs May's Brexit deal. Despite the PM saying only moments before she would not necessarily take any notice of whatever they vote for and the stark reality there may be no consensus on any new plan. (Hold that thought).
It was this moment that the ERG's Mr Rees-Mogg piped up that actually he could support Mrs May's deal if the alternative was no Brexit - "half a loaf is better than no bread", were his exact words.
And here it comes, on Wednesday afternoon (March 27th) Mrs May addressed the Commons saying she was prepared to step down as Prime Minister in exchange for MPs supporting her Brexit plan. "I hear what you're saying", she said. "I'm prepared to leave this job earlier than I intended in order to do the right thing for our country and our party ".
Despite previous bombastic exclamations, including saying it was akin to strapping a suicide vest to our country, oh, and resigning as Foreign Minister over it, Mr Johnson was first to say he would now give Mrs May's deal his full support. Rumour was there was a job vacancy going. Yet the DUP were still not to be moved saying - we don't have a problem with her, just her deal. As we see, as in all things she touches, Mrs May's attempt to fall upon her sword has her calling card of "balls-up" written all over it.
Indicative vote time. The time for Parliament to take control of the Brexit process. MPs were each handed a green ballot paper with eight different options on it, of which they were able to tick happy however many they liked. These included no deal, a customs union and a second referendum. A majority was not to be found for any of the alternative options or indeed no Brexit. What is to be done? Indicative Vote Part 2 on Monday (April 1st) and no this is not a joke.
Brexit Secretary Steve Barclay said this proves the Government's plan is our best chance of exit, seemingly forgetting the hitch that Speaker John Bercow will not allow the same deal to be wheeled before Parliament. Nevertheless, there is chatter today (Friday) Mrs May will attempt to bring another Meaningful Vote before Parliament later, swearing it is significantly different. Perhaps it will turn up in glasses and a moustache.
This Reporter will leave you with this. Following Mrs May's talk of resignation on Wednesday the ERG's Steve Baker appeared to experience the most monumental of brain farts. He spluttered: "I am consumed by a ferocious rage after that pantomime...I could tear this place down and bulldozer it into the river". Readers, we've found our Brexit solution. That or we give in to the tragi-farce continuum.

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