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Theresa May hypnotises the nation - "It's not me, it's them"

BACK in 2014 Theresa May, then Home Secretary, met spoon-bending psychic Uri Geller and he predicted she would one day become Prime Minister. It also transpires he bestowed upon her the gift of hypnotism.
In a live broadcast to the nation yesterday evening (Wednesday) Mrs May took to the podium and began with the words: "You are feeling very sleepy", before this pile of drivel commenced...
"Of this I am absolutely sure; you the public have had enough. You're tired of the infighting. You're tired of the political games and the arcane procedural rows. Tired of MPs talking about nothing else but Brexit, when you have real concerns about your children's schools, our national health service, knife crime.
"You want this stage of the Brexit process to be over and done with. I agree. I am on your side. It is now time for MPs to decide."
The reaction to this speech has not been kind, encapsulating as it does many flaws - namely Mrs May's extraordinary ability (aside from the hypnotism) of words managing to fall out of her mouth without her actually saying anything - that we now take as red.
New uproar comes from Mrs May shamelessly blaming MPs for everything that has gone wrong with Brexit thus far. To wit - if only they had backed her deal, we wouldn't be in this mess. So incensed are MPs at this suggestion that since last night there have been renewed calls for her resignation.
Funny that. Mrs May herself suggested yesterday her days could be numbered as she insisted she would not be extending Article 50 beyond June 30th whilst she was Prime Minister. Fatal words indeed as this led many a reporter to press her, did this mean she would step down if the UK was forced into a longer delay?
Her official spokesperson said it merely showed how strongly opposed she was to a longer extension, but it was too late. Out in the real word, Twitter fingers were already typing, there could be an upside to this Brexit debacle after all - the self-inflicted downfall of May.
As it stands Mrs May has written to the EU to request a short extension to Article 50 to, in her head but not according to actual laws of time, give her longer to sort this mess out. The EU has said it will only grant this extension if she manages to pass her deal through Parliament at third time of asking next week (i.e. a miracle). And as you can see, not the time to rile her fellow politicians.
Meanwhile, we hear that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn walked out of a meeting called between Mrs May and a number of other senior politicians yesterday because Chuka Umunna was there. He declared Mr Umunna, who defected away from Labour to breakaway party The Independent Group, was not a proper leader and he would not share the same air as him.
The only conclusion that can possibly be drawn from this quite extraordinary piece of behaviour, coming as it does after what even by Mrs May's standards had been a shockingly poor day, is that we as a population must have missed the dissemination of information that read: the leaders of the two main political parties are now engaged in a competition to see who can be the most appalling.
Just for now, Mrs May is winning that particular contest by a nose. One Tory MP described yesterday as their "worst day as a member of this party". Another said if Mrs May didn't resolve this crisis her time will "come to an end". A third said: "I have never been in a meeting like it, the atmosphere was extraordinary. She looked like Alice in Wonderland when she drank that poison, shrinking in her chair".
This Reporter ponders that should this calamitous behaviour continue much longer, whether it would be legally feasible for us as a country to resign?


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