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This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister."
Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time.
Meanwhile, hardline Brexiteer Richard Drax (possibly barmy) has backtracked in most spectacular fashion, claiming he was not himself when he voted for Mrs May's Brexit deal on Friday. He says he "deeply regrets" his decision. "I do not feel like I misled the House but I do feel I was not true to myself", he added.

Tuesday 2nd April and we as a nation are trying to fathom Indicative Votes part two - but our hearts aren't in it. We are distracted by the twelve naked protesters who charged the Commons' public gallery and waved their bottoms at those below.
As it transpired, due to the graffiti scrawled upon their persons, they were not there to protest against Brexit but, as members of "Extinction Rebellion" - climate change. Police intervened at the moment the dozen sought to superglue their posteriors to the safety glass. All was in danger of being an anti-climax after this.
As it turned out, in terms of remedying the Brexit impasse, it was. Parliament failed to vote for any of the alternative Brexit options for a second time of asking. No customs union, no second referendum, no Common Market, no revoking of Article 50. No, nien, nada, nichts.
Tory MP Nick Boles quit and stormed out of the Chamber after failing to get a majority on his motion for a Common Market. His voice cracked as he said: "I have given everything to an attempt to find a compromise that can take this country out of the European Union. I have failed". One plaintive voice cried: "Oh Nick, don't go, come on".

Wednesday 3rd April. Britain is still barking mad and as symptom, has chosen to erect a tulip skyscraper in London city, which bears a striking resemblance to a Q-tip. Down the road, Mrs May, following a "hot tempered and unruly" Cabinet meeting of 7 hours, 15 minutes, announced she was taking action to "break the (Brexit) logjam".
She would be asking the EU for another short extension to Article 50 - until May 22nd - to give her time to work with Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn to come up with a joint Brexit plan. In her statement, the PM said: "This is a decisive moment in the story of these islands and it requires national unity to deliver the national interest".
In response Mr Corbyn said he recognised Mrs May had "made a move" and he was "very happy" to talk.
Elsewhere, the mood was...fuming. Boris Johnson bellowed to camera, Brexit was "becoming soft to the point of disintegration". Jacob Rees-Mogg condescended: "To allow the Labour party to run Brexit, to decide you'd rather be supported by a Marxist (that's Corbyn) than by your own party, is unwise". Iain Duncan Smith, apoplectic: "This is an utter disaster. We are about to legitimise Corbyn. It is appalling."

Thursday 4th April and This Reporter can report all is as "fine" as ever here in Blighty, as news reaches us troops in Afghanistan have been shooting at a poster of Mr Corbyn for target practise.
Any potential scoop from the May/Corbyn pow wow of yesterday is slender. The commanding line appears to be they have agreed to have another meeting.
Meanwhile MPs failed to decide whether to give themselves the opportunity to again not decide on alternative Brexit options, as a ballot on Indicative Votes part 3 resulted in a tie. Speaker John Bercow used his casting vote against the motion.
Whilst a late into the night push through of a bill to delay Brexit and prevent No Deal scraped through by just one vote in the end. Mark Francois, Brexiteer and another MP who this process appears to have sent off their rocker, said: "Ramming a bill through in four hours is a constitutional outrage. The public won't be impressed by this, forgive them Father for they know not what they do".

Friday 5th April and chances we leave the EU on schedule next week are looking decidedly dodgy. News greets us from over the Channel that Brussels is prepared to grant the UK a "flextention" of up to 12 months, with the option to "pull out early". Mrs May has written to Donald Tusk as of this morning in defiance of this offer saying she'll just take up to 30th June, thank-you.
Where she gets this bravado from is quite puzzling considering murmurings from her talks with Mr Corbyn run, that rather than coming up with a joint plan between them, she has been using the time to brainwash him to come aboard her deal, to no avail.
We took a rare jaunt over to the House of Lords yesterday where they had started debating whether to pass into law the bill preventing No Deal. It stirred up quite the reaction with one Tory peer, Lord Forsyth, declaring the move to fast-track this bill was a "tyranny".
Whilst over in the House of Commons, the afternoon sitting had to be suspended as rain water came pouring through the roof and into the Chamber. Witness, MP Justin Madders said: "I think there's some symbolism going on about how Parliament is broken". Apocalyptic floods were also mentioned.

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