AS PLANET Brexit continues to pinball its way from calamity to calamity this week and the rational majority concede being sucked down a black hole could offer welcome release, This Reporter can't get over her obsession with Theresa May becoming a YouTube influencer, should the PM's current career go down the chute.
Monday 8th April. Britain enters another week which could conclude with it falling off a cliff. Whether down into shark infested waters or aboard a waiting galleon piled with pirate treasures, depends on your beliefs or, more accurately, your economic status.
Prime Minister Theresa May chose to kick off this most precipitous of Monday's with the release of a home movie in which she begins, in "chatty" manner: "Over the past few days, people have been asking me what on earth has been happening with Brexit".
As the camera shakes and judders, she concedes her deal is doomed, rejected as it has been three times by MPs - cue weary chuckle. Before segueing into musical montage of her robotic dancing in Union Flag catsuit and snogging Winston Churchill, who in real life looks remarkably like Kit Harrington from Game of Thrones. Before an outro in which she declares, defiantly: "Well at least I f*cking tried".
Though This Reporter must admit she may have got some of the footage from Saturday Night Live's latest Brexit skit spliced up with the official Downing Street offering.
Meanwhile, Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom said of a No Deal exit "it's not nearly as grim as many would advocate". One would assume, in spirit of reassurance.
Tuesday 9th April and, at historic breakneck speed, MPs have secured their bid to legally force Mrs May to extend Article 50, after it was green lighted by the House of Lords. The PM, already en route to Europe to plead for extra Brexit time until June 30th can claim, remarkably, that she is one step ahead of the game.
But Brexiteers, fed up with this talk of delay are calling to oust Mrs May, again. Having used their one no confidence vote of the year, they are turning to an indicative no confidence vote instead, seeing as they are so on trend.
Thus rather fortuitously, it emerges, Mrs May's dabble into the world of video logging was not a one-off yesterday as she's back at it again. This time releasing, an albeit rather dry, vlog about safety online.
Speculation is rife she is looking towards a career as a YouTube influencer should this all go, inevitably, tits up (excuse the phrase). Expect her "ASOS Haul" and "April Beauty Favourites", imminently.
Wednesday 10th April and it appears Mrs May's grovelling tour of European capitals failed, as Donald Tusk let slip, ahead of today's EU Summit, that Europe is unlikely to grant her requested short extension. More in favour are they of a year's delay, on basis would you believe it, EU chiefs are not convinced Mrs May can rustle up an agreeable Brexit plan within that time frame.
Meanwhile back at Westminster, the Brexiteers will not countenance anything other than a No Deal exit on Friday. Tory MP Andrew Bridgen put it "best" when he said the UK's EU membership had turned the country from a Michelin-starred restaurant to one reliant on microwave meals.
"Onwards" - both a command and the name of a meeting for Tories to fruitlessly brainstorm ways to appeal to Under-35s voters. To perhaps exemplify the problem, just down the hall could be found the, not to be silenced, ERG deputy leader Mark Francois, who had blue tacked a poster of Margaret Thatcher to a podium before spouting on about "perfidious albion", to a room full of pensioners.
Thursday 11th April and we wake to a new Brexit deadline, which doesn't come without connotation, because whatever does these days? Pre-2am the worst we had to deal with was the spectre of the first photographed black hole, ready to suck everything into its cavernous centre.
Now the new deadline date is Halloween (October 31st) we are threatened with being "haunted" by Brexit for another six months - oh the agony. The prospect and the pun. EU Chief Mr Tusk warned: "Please do not waste this time".
Other things to consider include the fact Mrs May had said on the record she would not countenance a Brexit extension beyond June 30th - not whilst she was Prime Minister. Which offers up the question - should she stand down? As balance to the argument - Boris Johnson and now Mark Francois are likely successors - the latter thanks to an (inexplicable) championing by the Daily Telegraph.
Also - Mrs May and Ms Merkel were very pally ahead of the EU Summit, in their matching royal blue jackets and laughing companionably at something on an iPad. This Reporter has the inside track. It was Mrs May's latest "Get Ready With Me" video - which she had just uploaded to her YouTube channel.
Friday 12th April and no one is more gleeful at the news Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has finally been arrested than Mrs May, on basis this should go some way to diluting the Brexit delay from the front pages. Footage shows Assange dragged kicking and screaming from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after the Ecuadorian government finally withdrew asylum. In his hands he is clutching a book - an advance copy of David Cameron's memoirs perchance?
Which leads us seamlessly to - David Cameron's memoirs. Because it appears a less considered screw-up resulting from a Halloween Brexit is the fact Dave's book could be published even before we leave the EU. (So could Meghan and Harry's unborn child's but that would be another story.)
Mr Cameron was reportedly paid £800,000 in 2016 by publisher William Collins to write his autobiography, including his account of that infamous referendum. Cameron promised to be "frank" and purchased a £25,000 "luxury" shepherd's hut as a writing studio.
The book was scheduled for publication in 2018 but was delayed until autumn 2019 so as "not to rock the boat". Now that rocking looks unavoidable.
The title of Cameron's memoir has still not been confirmed so This Reporter will just leave that one hanging...
Monday 8th April. Britain enters another week which could conclude with it falling off a cliff. Whether down into shark infested waters or aboard a waiting galleon piled with pirate treasures, depends on your beliefs or, more accurately, your economic status.
Prime Minister Theresa May chose to kick off this most precipitous of Monday's with the release of a home movie in which she begins, in "chatty" manner: "Over the past few days, people have been asking me what on earth has been happening with Brexit".
As the camera shakes and judders, she concedes her deal is doomed, rejected as it has been three times by MPs - cue weary chuckle. Before segueing into musical montage of her robotic dancing in Union Flag catsuit and snogging Winston Churchill, who in real life looks remarkably like Kit Harrington from Game of Thrones. Before an outro in which she declares, defiantly: "Well at least I f*cking tried".
Though This Reporter must admit she may have got some of the footage from Saturday Night Live's latest Brexit skit spliced up with the official Downing Street offering.
Meanwhile, Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom said of a No Deal exit "it's not nearly as grim as many would advocate". One would assume, in spirit of reassurance.
Tuesday 9th April and, at historic breakneck speed, MPs have secured their bid to legally force Mrs May to extend Article 50, after it was green lighted by the House of Lords. The PM, already en route to Europe to plead for extra Brexit time until June 30th can claim, remarkably, that she is one step ahead of the game.
But Brexiteers, fed up with this talk of delay are calling to oust Mrs May, again. Having used their one no confidence vote of the year, they are turning to an indicative no confidence vote instead, seeing as they are so on trend.
Thus rather fortuitously, it emerges, Mrs May's dabble into the world of video logging was not a one-off yesterday as she's back at it again. This time releasing, an albeit rather dry, vlog about safety online.
Speculation is rife she is looking towards a career as a YouTube influencer should this all go, inevitably, tits up (excuse the phrase). Expect her "ASOS Haul" and "April Beauty Favourites", imminently.
Wednesday 10th April and it appears Mrs May's grovelling tour of European capitals failed, as Donald Tusk let slip, ahead of today's EU Summit, that Europe is unlikely to grant her requested short extension. More in favour are they of a year's delay, on basis would you believe it, EU chiefs are not convinced Mrs May can rustle up an agreeable Brexit plan within that time frame.
Meanwhile back at Westminster, the Brexiteers will not countenance anything other than a No Deal exit on Friday. Tory MP Andrew Bridgen put it "best" when he said the UK's EU membership had turned the country from a Michelin-starred restaurant to one reliant on microwave meals.
"Onwards" - both a command and the name of a meeting for Tories to fruitlessly brainstorm ways to appeal to Under-35s voters. To perhaps exemplify the problem, just down the hall could be found the, not to be silenced, ERG deputy leader Mark Francois, who had blue tacked a poster of Margaret Thatcher to a podium before spouting on about "perfidious albion", to a room full of pensioners.
Thursday 11th April and we wake to a new Brexit deadline, which doesn't come without connotation, because whatever does these days? Pre-2am the worst we had to deal with was the spectre of the first photographed black hole, ready to suck everything into its cavernous centre.
Now the new deadline date is Halloween (October 31st) we are threatened with being "haunted" by Brexit for another six months - oh the agony. The prospect and the pun. EU Chief Mr Tusk warned: "Please do not waste this time".
Other things to consider include the fact Mrs May had said on the record she would not countenance a Brexit extension beyond June 30th - not whilst she was Prime Minister. Which offers up the question - should she stand down? As balance to the argument - Boris Johnson and now Mark Francois are likely successors - the latter thanks to an (inexplicable) championing by the Daily Telegraph.
Also - Mrs May and Ms Merkel were very pally ahead of the EU Summit, in their matching royal blue jackets and laughing companionably at something on an iPad. This Reporter has the inside track. It was Mrs May's latest "Get Ready With Me" video - which she had just uploaded to her YouTube channel.
Friday 12th April and no one is more gleeful at the news Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has finally been arrested than Mrs May, on basis this should go some way to diluting the Brexit delay from the front pages. Footage shows Assange dragged kicking and screaming from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after the Ecuadorian government finally withdrew asylum. In his hands he is clutching a book - an advance copy of David Cameron's memoirs perchance?
Which leads us seamlessly to - David Cameron's memoirs. Because it appears a less considered screw-up resulting from a Halloween Brexit is the fact Dave's book could be published even before we leave the EU. (So could Meghan and Harry's unborn child's but that would be another story.)
Mr Cameron was reportedly paid £800,000 in 2016 by publisher William Collins to write his autobiography, including his account of that infamous referendum. Cameron promised to be "frank" and purchased a £25,000 "luxury" shepherd's hut as a writing studio.
The book was scheduled for publication in 2018 but was delayed until autumn 2019 so as "not to rock the boat". Now that rocking looks unavoidable.
The title of Cameron's memoir has still not been confirmed so This Reporter will just leave that one hanging...
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