Skip to main content

BAFTAs, Alabama, "Four Ovens" and Jeremy Kyle

FROM "Killing Eve" cleaning up at the BAFTAs and the rise of Nigel Farage's half-baked Brexit Party, to the trash found at the depths of the ocean which, according to some reports has Jeremy Kyle living under it, to "Four Ovens" MP James Brokenshire, if this week was a grossly out-dated, misogynistic trope, it would be a domestic goddess. All complaints please back date to 1957, where you'll find the Senate of Alabama mulling over their next Gilead-inspired motion. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 13th May and get your glad rags on - or not (we'll get to that in a moment) - because our first stop is the BAFTAs where "Killing Eve" cleaned up on the night like any good assassin would, scooping awards for best drama series, best actress and best supporting actress. This was despite chat over whether the programme should have been included in the awards night at all. Some bother about it being screened over in America first.
Daisy May Cooper, star of "This Country", meanwhile turned the idea of best dressed on its head by stepping out in a gown designed and fashioned out of bin liners by her mum, all the cash which would have been spent on a dress going instead to food banks.
On a less fizzing note - an opinion poll has, unfathomably, revealed Nigel Farage's Brexit Party is all set to scoop as many votes as Labour and the Tories combined in next week's European elections. However, This Reporter would like to correct herself where she said "unfathomably" as it is no less unthinkable that the 52 per cent of the population who voted for the half-baked idea of leaving the European Union, should not now be prepared to vote for an equally half-baked political party.

Tuesday 14th May. Tributes have cascaded in for Hollywood film star Doris Day who has died aged 97. The actress and singer captured many a heart with her performances in comedy musicals including Tea for Two, Pillow Talk and Calamity Jane. She was also an animal welfare activist. Actress Sarah Jessica Parker wrote on Instagram: "I love you. Millions did and do. Godspeed". Fast forward a day to witness Jeremy Corbyn leading a sing-along in the Houses of Parliament.
Retired naval officer Victor Vescovo, lured by promises of kingdoms under the sea (potentially), had high hopes at what riches he would discover as he made the deepest dive ever made in a submarine, 36,000ft down into the deepest place on earth - the Pacific Ocean's Mariana Trench. He must have got what, in understated terms, could be referred to as that sinking feeling when what he did discover down there was litter, which is currently being tested to confirm it is plastic.
Talking about trash, in the proverbial, (too harsh?) Jeremy Kyle of the same named eponymous ITV chat show has found himself in the "doo-daas". News a guest killed himself after failing a lie detector test has caused the show to be pulled from air for the foreseeable future. Long criticised as "poverty porn", comedian Kathy Burke for one will not shed a tear if it never returns. She tweeted: "I hope it's the end of that vile Kyle show". (This Reporter can confirm later in the week the programme was permanently axed.)

Wednesday 15th May and adding to a growing list of politicians earning a numerical moniker is Housing Minister James Brokenshire or "four ovens" as he will forever now be called. As part of the on-going series, "Let's get to know cabinet members' wives and kitchens better", Mr Brokenshire poses with a Victoria sponge sandwich in front of what appears, to the naked eye, a bank of four ovens. Thus ensues one of life's more pedantic discussions in which Mr Brokenshire reassures us that what we spy is not four ovens, but two double ovens with four doors. What this has to do with Mr Brokenshire's, unknown, stance on how to provide this country with more affordable housing is not clear. Unless this quip, "Amazing what you can rustle up! Maybe some more hot potatoes next", is more cryptic than first thought. Mr Brokenshire ("four ovens") does of course follow in the illustrious footsteps of "two kitchens" Ed Miliband and "two jags" John Prescott.
On the subject of baking, acting legend Robert De Niro is branching out into the bagel business, if the latest ad for Warburtons is to be taken on face value. The advert sees De Niro arrive in Bolton, and - pause a minute while This Reporter peruses the synopsis - "with a nod to his role as Tommy DeVito in 90s hit 'Goodfellas', threatens to take over Jonathon Warburton's bagel business helped by his 'New York associates'". The punchline - De Niro sitting back and "watching the dough roll in".

Thursday 16th May and greetings from the dark ages as senators vote for a complete, across the board abortion ban in Alabama, even in the case of incest or rape. Alabama's Republican-controlled state senate this week passed the bill to outlaw abortion, making it a crime to perform the procedure at any stage of pregnancy. The crucial question, amongst the myriad of expletives to be levelled at this situation, is what to make of the fact the 25 senators were all white, middle-aged men who, we will assume, have never been near a woman giving birth, never mind a child rape victim. And who offer up the solution to outlawing abortion, with the simple line: "have you heard of adoption?" This Reporter would like to note her awareness that closer to home, Northern Ireland endures an equally, if not more, draconian abortion ban.
Whilst swift move the times, when there is the desire, as MPs have called for an inquiry into reality TV shows - Jeremy Kyle, Love Island and the ilk - amidst increased concern over how contestants are treated. But This Reporter comments that an all out banning of reality TV programming by MPs would surely be counter-intuitive, as millions of people take their eyes away from their screens and finally notice the state of the, real, world around them.

Friday 17th May and a news round-up would be remiss without a check in with our Prime Minister, who still is, Theresa May, even if her premiership is now akin to her strapping herself to her chair with a Gucci monogrammed buckle belt and singing, "we shall not, we shall not be moved", incessantly.
Following Mrs May's umpteenth refusal to put an exact date on her departure, the latest attempt to get her withdrawal deal through Parliament, scheduled for the week commencing 3rd June, has now become a referendum, on her. If the deal is voted down - and there's really no reason to suppose it wouldn't be - she's out on her ear and the battle for the leadership begins with real momentum. And so we ponder which kitchen appliance has more charisma, a SMEG fridge or a Nutribullet?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Boris Johnson sparkles up the Strictly staircase and Joe Lycett saves a Danish lighthouse

COMEDIAN Joe Lycett is suing the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing after coming a cropper on it's famous staircase.
Mr Lycett, 31, posted to his infinite followers on Twitter a video depicting the moment when he was sauntering jovially up the stairs to what This Reporter believes to have been dubbed the "Clauditorium", to make a guest appearance on the popular "terms and conditions" section of the Saturday night dance contest. Only to trip on one of the steps and fall flat on his face, crushing his pink sequined jacket.
Mr Lycett picked himself up and carried on with the show, ever the seasoned professional, but swung straight onto social media after his segment declaring; "see you in court" @bbcstrictly.
There is a distinct possibility, of course, that when Mr Lycett typed out the words "see you in court" he may have been pulling Strictly's plonker. All in all, this news story could be dismissed as fantasy, make-believe, a classic case of…

Brexit: Where's Barbara Cartland's magic acorn when you need it?

THERE are no words - quite the technical hitch when it comes to writing - to do justice to the single greatest political calamity of our generation. This Reporter considered instead using expressionist art or shadow puppetry. She would make a concerted effort at it for five minutes before setting fire to the whole damn lot - as symbolism.
As alternative, let's start with the bare-boned facts of the matter. Prime Minister Theresa May lost her second meaningful vote on her Brexit deal in Parliament on Tuesday night by a stonking 391 votes to 242. Not the complete annihilation of meaningless vote part numero one, but still an almost unprecedented disaster.
David Cameron, tracked down at his lair, said: "I don't understand why MPs who have always wanted Brexit keep voting against it". Well David, sometimes people do the most unfathomable of things don't they. But back to the facts.
Mrs May's promise of votes on No Deal and Article 50 extension are coming up next.…

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan.
Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake.
Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix.
That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile March…

The female-only island, Trump's Irn-Bru and the embellished loafer

This reporter brings you tidings of bonne nouvelle. We're going on holiday. Pack your suitcase, get your neighbours to water the goldfish and walk the plants, and let's vacance.

Where are we headed, this reporter hears you ask? Well, she shall tell you, my most eager reader, we are going to a female-only island.

Isn't that prejudiced against all men folk, you respond. Well quite, says this reporter, but that is nothing compared to what is to come. But stop right there - this reporter will ruin her punchline.

Let's progress Bristol fashion to the departure lounge, but first, we must have a nosey around duty free. And what do we spy here but today's fashion fix - the embellished loafer. What a co-incidence. It's almost like this isn't real life at all but something someone's scribbled down just to 'entertain'.

The embellished loafer is 'the' spring shoe, encapsulating the practical with just the right amount of magic. (Thanks Vogue). From …