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Line of Duty, Baby Sussex and Jess Phillip's Rape Threats

SACKED defence secretary Gavin Williamson has mind-powered himself into an episode of "Line of Duty" this week, convinced as he is there is a No.10 smear campaign against him. But there is much more than just this for us to investigate. From MP Jess Phillip's rape threats finally getting police attention and the suspiciously joyful arrival of Baby Sussex, to the flock of sheep enrolling at school, welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 6th May and with the bank holiday allowing no rest for the wicked, the Tories and Labour have mulled over their great losses in the local elections and concluded this means the public just want to see Brexit done. They report they have upped their efforts to find that mecca state of marvellous accord.
Superstar Madonna has proved herself not immune to the tribulations of parenthood as, in an interview to mark the release of  her 183rd studio album, she bemoaned giving her children mobile phones too young. "It ended my relationship with them really".
Another character who all too well knows the perils of the iPhone is newly sacked defence secretary Gavin Williamson. Once heckled by "Siri" when addressing Parliament on Syria to, most recently, that fateful call to the Daily Telegraph which labelled him the rat for the leaks from the National Security Council, Williamson now believes himself to be the victim of a much wider smear campaign. Newspapers this weekend ran the story he did not think Mrs May fit for office because she is diabetic. He has employed AC-12 to investigate.

Tuesday 7th May and the nation is getting to grips with the, seemingly, straightforwardly joyful images of Prince Harry beaming from the front pages, after welcoming his son into the world yesterday morning at "Sonrise", to pilfer a headline. Harry announced to the gathering media that his son - who through power of time travel This Reporter decrees will be named Archie Windsor - was "to die for" and marvelled at the wonder of his wife Meghan for birthing a baby into the world. Where's the sleaze, the scandal, the "side" to this news story? Doom-mongers are going to have to dig much deeper.
Yet here's a story of gloom in giant proportions as scientists revealed humans have managed to kill off, to the point of near extinction, a million species of animal thanks to their selfish abuse of the planet. The UN planetary health check, the largest of its kind ever undertaken, found nature was being destroyed at a rate of tens to hundreds of times higher than the average over the past ten million years.

Wednesday 8th May. Police are finally investigating comments made by UKIP EU election candidate Carl Benjamin to MP Jess Phillips, speculating whether he would rape her or not. Back in 2016 Mr Benjamin, known online as Sargon of Akkad, tweeted "I wouldn't even rape you", adding in a more recent YouTube video: "With enough pressure, I might cave." Ms Phillips, the MP for Birmingham Yardley, said she recently broke down in tears in the city centre "just because I felt the enormous weight of years and years and years of abuse". West Midlands Police confirmed they are deliberating whether an offence has been committed.
Deputy PM David Lidington has announced that "regrettably" there is no getting out of the European elections after cross-party talks between the Tories and Labour failed to reach a breakthrough in time. It appears Mrs May and her clan had been holding out hope a Brexit solution could be found to prevent the UK having to field candidates to Brussels, to no such end.

Thursday 9th May and Mrs May has compared herself to Liverpool football club in predicting she could make a remarkable comeback on Brexit. The PM countered a suggestion from Jeremy Corbyn that she could learn how to do well in Europe from Liverpool (who defeated Barcelona 4-3 in the Champions League semi-final) by saying what this actually showed was when everyone said it was all over, that it was time to concede defeat, actually "we can still secure success if everyone comes together".
"Bollocks to Brexit" is the Liberal Democrats' official European election slogan as the party, elated by their local election success, have determinedly set themselves up as the party for Remain. Lib Dem leader Vince Cable added alternative literature with the slogan "Stop Brexit" could be disseminated by those candidates of more sensitive disposition.
"Shear Genius" runs the headline as we learn sheep have been signed up as the latest recruits at a primary school in the French Alps, after parents feared falling pupil numbers would see some classes closed. A local herder and his dog drove a flock of 50 sheep up to Crets en Belledonne School and amongst those added to the register were a pupil called "Baa-bete" and another called "Saute-Mouton".

Friday 9th May and whilst we luxuriate, like David Cameron is rumoured, in our eight grand, red pine, wood-fired hot tubs, word reaches us a London Olympics-style delivery body is to oversee the multibillion pound restoration of the Houses of Parliament. Work on the rapidly decaying building had been put on hold due to concerns about costs and what we'll call "logistical matters", but since the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral opposition to the project has fallen dramatically. It is reported efforts to get on restoring Westminster have also been buoyed by the removal of Mr Williamson as defence secretary as he had objected to the use of the Ministry of Defence car park for contractors' lorries on security grounds. This Reporter suggests Mr Williamson get Steve Arnott back on the line as there's something a little bit iffy going on here. GW can't be offered full witness protection but there is a spare sheep costume, lying around.

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