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Spy Whales, Woodcocks and Gavin Williamson's Sacking

TAKE your seats aboard the Corrie (roller) Coaster which, as it dips and troughs throughout the week, will deliver spectacular views of spy whales, woodcocks and Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson's sacking but only rare glimpses of our Prime Minister Theresa May, who appears to be all but missing in action. Free vegetarian Percy Pigs to those who spot her. Welcome to This Reporter's Weekly News Journal.

Monday 29th April and we commence with the news Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt is off on a grand tour of Africa. In joint hopes of boosting his leadership credentials, as well as trade links post-Brexit. Mr Hunt will be accompanied by his Chinese wife Lucia Guo for the five-day, five-nation trip, who he has described at times as "a great diplomatic weapon for the UK", but at other times as Japanese (check out Mr Hunt's gaffe file, circa July 2018).
Labour has spittooned former Tory cabinet minister Damian Green's plans for a shake-up of social care funding as a "tax on growing old". Mr Green is suggesting all taxpayers over 50 pay a flat rate "universal care entitlement" surcharge. Short of stumbling across Dorian Gray's painting in the attic, the only alternative remains the fountain of youth. To be found en route to the, presumably now defunct, magic money tree.
Whilst fishermen in Norway have, if reports run true, encountered a white beluga whale operating as a spy for Russia. The whale was spotted near the small fishing village of Inga and immediately raised suspicions as it was wearing a military harness and acting in a "strange" manner. The harness, etched with the words "Equipment of St Petersburg", is apparently intended to carry a (whale operable?) weapon or camera.

Tuesday 30th April. Set the sarcasm-barometer to mega vibes as This Reporter announces we are saved from the worldwide humiliation caused by Brexit et al. Plans are afoot for an ITV theme park. Such highlights to "rival Disneyland" include Ken Barlow bumper cars, I'm A Celeb rapids and the Jeremy Kyle experience.  Do we really need a...Perhaps we should be...Wouldn't it be better if...Speechless. Let's move on.
BBC Wildlife Presenter Chris Packham has been receiving death threats for the mortal offence of campaigning to protect the lives of crows. Coming to a head with the delivery through his letterbox of what in naturalist terms could be described a "woodcock", or in more biological ones a block of wood daubed with a badly drawn willy and balls. Mr Packham denounced the bullies in most spectacular fashion by declaring the appendage must be life-sized, obliging us with a 50 pence piece for scale, which revealed the woodcock to indeed be tiny.
To close this section, a swift check in with Brexit progress (this won't take long) and as a clue, the Queen's Speech in Parliament has now been all but officially postponed until the autumn. On the basis the objectives set out in the last one back in the day, 2017 - namely the Withdrawal Agreement - have still not been done. Rumour runs, Her Majesty will use this downtime to prepare for the maiden voyage of the Corrie (roller) Coaster.

Wednesday 1st May and Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn finds himself in the metaphorical dock this morning as it emerged he wrote the Forward to a book full of anti-Semitic tropes. It is reported Mr Corbyn penned at the front of a reissue of JA Hobson's "Imperialism: A Study", this is a "great tome", back when he was a backbencher in 2011. This is despite the book highlighting well-known anti-Semitic theories about the Rothschild banking family.
Mr Corbyn is also in the dog house with approximately half his MPs for not securing a second referendum as part of Labour's European election promise. Instead after five hours of a NEC meeting and a "polite" walkout by deputy leader Tom Watson, a spearheader of the People's Vote, the party refused to budge an inch on their previous stance to call for a second referendum only if all other options had been exhausted.
Elsewhere, the Philippines - or to be more exact, Binalonan - rumour-mongers are facing fines of £3 and three hours litter-picking duty for indulging in local tittle-tattle. A law has been passed by Mayor Ramon Guico III which has made gossip, or "chismis", illegal, after several disputes fuelled by gossip apparently got "so severe" the local authority had to step in.

Thursday 2nd May and Gavin Williamson has been sacked by Prime Minister Theresa May over the leak from the National Security Council, of Huawei's involvement in the UK 5G network. The Private Pike of politics - famed for such lines as "shut up and go away" to Russia and for inexplicably being pulled up the ranks from Chief Whip to Defence Secretary, denies all involvement in the leak saying one phone call - 11 minutes on the blower to the Daily Telegraph to be precise - is not evidence enough to implicate him. There are calls for Mr Williamson to face a criminal inquiry but Mrs May considers the matter to be closed.
Mr Williamson is to be replaced by Penny Mordaunt who will be the first ever female Defence Secretary and who currently is perhaps best known for appearing on ITV's celebrity diving competition "Splash" and pulling off a spectacular belly flop in front of the nation.
Meanwhile MPs have endorsed Mr Corbyn's call to declare a climate emergency after, miraculously one could say, appearing to stand up and take notice of protests by Extinction Rebellion and the school climate strikers led by Greta Thunberg. Mr Corbyn pledged to "set off a wave of action from parliaments and governments around the globe", asking: "Are we content to hand down a broken planet to our children?"

Friday 3rd May and there is no escaping the local election results which are pouring in as we speak this morning and reveal devastating losses for both the Tories and Labour, almost as though the public are fed up with the two major parties. The Lib Dems gained significantly but this could mean, nothing. It was a previous set of Tory-tastic local election results which spurred Mrs May to call that snap election. And we know how that ended...
To the outrage of all those most "upright and decent" (a typo surely) -  Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins - Marks and Spencer's chewy Percy Pig sweets have gone vegetarian. Instead of being made from gelatin derived from pigs as has been in practise since the 90s and with hindsight, a little unsavoury, the sweets are being made with a veggie alternative. Mr Morgan spat his "Percy" out live on air on Good Morning Britain as doubtless he felt his masculinity had again been threatened.
Finally, singer-songwriter Pete Doherty of Libertines fame has praised the NHS for caring for him when he was hospitalised after an altercation with a hedgehog. Mr Doherty explained that whilst walking his dogs one of them picked up a hedgehog in his "gob". "I wrapped my hand in a T-shirt and freed the wee bugger and got a tiny cut. Cue three days in a van with a carefree attitude to potentially infected forefingers". Of the NHS staff who cared for him he said: "What absolute angels".

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