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Waffles, Milkshake and Goodbye Theresa May

Monday 20th May and we wake to Health Secretary Matt Hancock enduring a grilling from Good Morning Britain's presenter Piers Morgan for devouring a caramel waffle before coming live on air. "What did you have for breakfast?" Mr Morgan asks, flexing those journalistic muscles, to which Mr Hancock replies, a banana - then follows a brief pause - and a waffle. The camera shifts to earlier footage of Hancock consuming said waffle, with unmistakable relish, as Morgan asks, is this really the example you wish to set the nation, that we should all be eating calorific, fat-filled caramel waffles? Mr Hancock, realising there is no way out of this (that there's not been anything quite like this in food policing since Ed Miliband bit into a bacon sandwich) replies: "I love life, but I love my waffles".
Meanwhile, following hot-on-the-heels of the revelation insurance tycoon Aaron Banks "lavishly funded" Nigel Farage's lifestyle following the 2016 referendum - including buying him a furnished house in Chelsea and most-pivotal of all, a new shower curtain - we have been alerted, thanks to former PM Gordon Brown, that the Brexit Party's books may also be a tad shady. In potentially the greatest epithet of all time, Mr Brown quipped Mr Farage was far less the man of the people and more "the man of the Paypal" as evidence came forth the Brexit Party was relying on small anonymous donations, less than £500 a pop, being paid into a Paypal account. Critics fear this leaves the way open to foreign donors wishing to influence British politics. The Electoral Commission is now investigating despite Farage declaring it a "disgusting smear".

Tuesday 21st May and it appears milkshake is swift becoming a symbol of the "Brexit resistance" as Mr Farage became the latest political figure to receive a dousing whilst out on the campaign trail. He follows in the, slightly sticky, footsteps of Tommy Robinson and UKIP candidate Carl Benjamin, after 32-year-old Paul Crowther poured his Five Guys' salted caramel shake over him whilst in Newcastle. It's fair to say Farage was not best pleased. He tweeted after the incident, this was an affront to "civilised democracy". He added he would be pressing charges and lo and behold Mr Crowther has since been charged with common assault. You wait until later in the week Nigel, when you're going to end up barricaded on a bus with a whole horde of milkshake throwers surrounding you.
Onto other matters and Geri Horner, formerly Halliwell, but decades on, still of the Spice Girls, has invited Theresa May to the group's reunion tour as she feels sorry for her. She said: "I really want Theresa May at the show. I'm not talking about politics, can you imagine showing up to work every day and getting verbally assassinated by all the people around you?" There's more. Ms Horner continued: "Come on, give the woman some credit, she's certainly stoic. And she wears great jewellery." Downing Street said Mrs May was considering the invite and "we're grateful for the message".

Wednesday 22nd May and please curtail your excitement as today we discuss Mrs May's "Finding common ground in Parliament" speech - potentially one of her final formal addresses - in which she outlined the ways she hoped, in last-ditch attempt, to find cross-party support for her Withdrawal Agreement Bill - now affectionately referred to as the Wab. This includes carrying out a vote in Parliament on whether to call a second referendum and a "customs compromise" and marks quite the demise, both personally and politically - but never sartorially - from the day she called that snap general election in a bid to crush the "remain saboteurs". Mrs May's tinkered Wab will be presented to Parliament week commencing June 3rd but from feedback so far, don't hold out hope of it getting that far.
Elsewhere, back several centuries, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims to never take off his suit jacket, except "in the bedroom". But let's not dwell on that too long as we instead chortle over the fact the "honourable member for the 18th century" has had his book universally panned by eminent historians. AN Wilson described "The Victorians: Twelve Titans who Forged Britain" as "a dozen clumsily written pompous schoolboy compositions", whilst Kathryn Hughes, for the Guardian, criticised the lack of Victorian women, save Queen Victoria, which even by Rees-Mogg's standards, would be a glaring omission. Dominic Sandbrook reviewing for the Sunday Times meanwhile, went so far as to say he would welcome Rees-Mogg's political rise to Downing Street if this is what it took to stop him ever writing another book.

Thursday 23rd May and with the country heading to the polling booths to vote in a European election which should not be happening, Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom resigning and, as a result, Mrs May clinging onto power by nothing but a frayed cable cord, the only person having a good time, it appears, is Boris Johnson. Buffing away at the brass "PM Johnson" name plaque he had commissioned at the age of seven, he knows he's the favourite amongst "the people" to be the next Tory leader, despite what we have in the past called numerous "gaffes", but for this purpose, bigotry and racism.
Mr Johnson realises his next step is to secure his place in the final two candidates selection and to do so has his sights set on the One Nation Conservatives, the most centrist and popular group of the Tories, headed by Amber Rudd. He hopes a few sweet nothings along the lines of "I like your manifesto" will, in the words of the Daily Express, "seduce" Ms Rudd to relinquish her bid for leadership and support him instead. In exchange for a guaranteed piggy back ride into Johnson's cabinet.

Friday 24th May and after two days holed up in her Downing Street office with a chair wedged up against the door, to stop anyone getting in to talk to her and, more importantly, trying to forcibly remove her, Mrs May emerged to meet with Graham Brady, chair of the 1922 Committee of backbenchers, to hand in her resignation.
Yes indeed, after a "bumpy" few years, in which she demonstrated the staying power of a ragu sauce stain down a white silk shirt, the game is up, she realises and out she came to address the nation. Borrowing, in This Reporter's imagination, the closing words of "The Tiger Who Came to Tea" written by the sadly departed Judith Kerr. "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye", she tootled, before putting her coat on over her nightie and going out in the dark for tea at a cafe because the water and the power have been cut off at 10 Downing Street.
Goodbye Mrs May.

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