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Showing posts from June, 2019

Boris Disaggregates the Barney and Rylan Jostles for PM

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news round-up and this week there has been a concerted effort on This Reporter's part, not to discuss either Boris Johnson or the Tory leadership contest more generally. Let's see how that pans out.

Monday 24th June and Jeremy Hunt is leading the call for his Tory leadership rival Boris Johnson to come clean about the incident with his girlfriend at her London flat on Friday evening. Cabinet ministers, backbenchers and major party donors, not to mention the public, are all expecting Johnson to give some kind of explanation after police were called out by concerned neighbours who heard his girlfriend Carrie Symonds screaming "get off me" and "get out of my flat", accompanied by the sounds of slamming doors and smashing glasses.
Mr Hunt said Mr Johnson needed to show "he can answer difficult questions", before accusing him of appearing willing to "slink through the back door" of No 10 by "pathetica…

Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails - How we made Boris Johnson

"Beware those men, the jokers and the tricksters and the clowns. They will laugh us into hell" - Years and Years

Monday 17th June and the PM hopefuls took part in a televised debate on Channel 4 on Sunday evening. With the principle objective for Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove, and Rory Stewart being, trying to prove more charismatic and interesting than an empty chair, as shoe-in Boris Johnson failed to turn up. It took until after the ad break for Mr Hunt to address the situation, saying: "I just want to say, where is Boris?" Whilst Rory Stewart, speaking of the leadership contest, gave us the profound: "It reminds me...I was trying to cram a whole series of rubbish bags into the...rubbish bin. And my wife said 'you're never going to get those three huge bags of rubbish in'. And I was tempted, like Michael, like Dominic, to say "believe in the bin! Believe in Britain! Right? It's nonsense", and the conspiratoria…

The Tory Leadership Contest - including the drug's weekender and Lorraine Kelly

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news journal and the Tory Leadership Contest has proved unavoidable, with the ten prospective PMs setting out their supplications, ahead of the grand whittling process. No spoilers - but the lucky few making it through the first round - of many - are named somewhere further down below. And one thing is patently clear, if the full ten of them are not, as rumoured, off their heads on something, then we the great British public certainly must be - or perhaps should be.

Monday 10th June and with the Tory leadership race properly "on", now Theresa May has formerly stepped down into a caretaker role (unblocking the Commons' toilets), contestants have launched wide-eyed and twitchy, into the opening round which involves them battling it out to see who has taken the most drugs.
Over the weekend one of the "favourites" Michael Gove added several lines of cocaine sampled during his journalistic years onto the increasing stash table. H…

A Trump Visit Special Edition - Featuring Camilla's wink, "Michael, Who's Michael?" and "Boris, You're Hired"

WELCOME to This Reporter's three day, pull-out-and-keep, special on the President of the United State's UK visit, complete with choice of exceptional free gifts - ranging from a limited edition Downing Street tea set and a pen set featuring Royal crest, to Winston Churchill's (framed) personal draft of the Atlantic Charter, all currently available on Donald Trump's Depop.

Monday 3rd June (Day 1) and despite all hopes to the contrary, American President Donald Trump arrived in the UK on his, delayed, state visit. Jetting into Stansted on Air Force One, from which vantage point he could comfortably take in the sights, including the ginormous "Oi Trump" penis mowed into a lawn, he was accompanied not only by wife Melania but four of his grown-up children. Seemingly for safety in numbers, though his external manner was as bombastic as ever. Before landing he had found the time to liberally disseminate a series of Trumpisms, presumably to get us all in the mood, an…