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A Trump Visit Special Edition - Featuring Camilla's wink, "Michael, Who's Michael?" and "Boris, You're Hired"

WELCOME to This Reporter's three day, pull-out-and-keep, special on the President of the United State's UK visit, complete with choice of exceptional free gifts - ranging from a limited edition Downing Street tea set and a pen set featuring Royal crest, to Winston Churchill's (framed) personal draft of the Atlantic Charter, all currently available on Donald Trump's Depop.

Monday 3rd June (Day 1) and despite all hopes to the contrary, American President Donald Trump arrived in the UK on his, delayed, state visit. Jetting into Stansted on Air Force One, from which vantage point he could comfortably take in the sights, including the ginormous "Oi Trump" penis mowed into a lawn, he was accompanied not only by wife Melania but four of his grown-up children. Seemingly for safety in numbers, though his external manner was as bombastic as ever. Before landing he had found the time to liberally disseminate a series of Trumpisms, presumably to get us all in the mood, and give his comb over a once over in the mirror. London Mayor Sadiq Khan the "stone cold loser" and "nasty" Meghan, Duchess of Sussex were his chief targets. (It's a puzzler what common thread could bind them.)
"Get your pomp out" was the order of the day as the Queen and Royal family hosted - Meghan mercifully absent on maternity leave - with a checking out of the Royal Guard, afternoon tea and then the piece de resistance, a white tie and tiara banquet. "Highlights" included Camilla winking to camera as Prince Charles led Trump into tea at Buck Palace, distinct "care in the community vibes" as Melania had to remind Trump that the horse statue in the Queen's trophy cabinet was the one he had gifted her last year and Trump having to hold his breath all night for fear of bursting out of his tuxedo - potentially one left over from Barack at the back of the White House closet. A fist bump with the Queen later and k-boom. White pearl buttons, a crumb of belly button fluff, scatter.

Tuesday 4th June (Day 2) and the hostess with the mostess today is Prime Minister Theresa May who has succeeded, by fluke or design, in book ending her premiership - due for expiry on Friday - with this very state visit. It was back in her fledgling days she invited Trump to visit the UK to sample the pageantry and spectacle its capital could offer. Though, in hindsight, this may have been a desperate bid to distract from the fact he had clasped her hand.
To kick off a day of political frolics, Mrs May and Trump hosted a breakfast business meeting before taking him on a guided tour of the Parliamentary vaults. Though Mrs May's presence on the day was painfully token as her official spokesperson, on being asked if Trump had bothered booking Mrs May in for a private one-to-one chat, conceded: "I think we can safely say the answer to that's, a no".
Meanwhile, out on Parliament Square, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn could be spied amidst the Trump protesters in what has been dubbed a "carnival of resistance" but which in reality came across as a little lack lustre, as it appeared the country failed to give a...Corbyn, who refused to attend the Royal banquet of the previous evening, said the protests were an opportunity to "stand in solidarity" with those attacked by the President, as it was revealed Corbyn had requested a private meeting with Trump and had been declined, because of his "negative energy".
Highlights of the day include Trump at press conference responding: "Michael, I don't know a Michael" when asked if Gove would make a good PM, despite Gove once interviewing him and being photographed together with their thumbs aloft. Lowlights - most other things really - this is proving quite the national humiliation - but especially the threat of the NHS being on the trade deal table, marginally saved by Trump not appearing to know what the NHS was.

Wednesday 5th June (Day 3) and as the collective feeling across the nation can be summed up as: "has he not gone home yet?" This Reporter reports this day is the big one, the main event, the lynch pin upon which this state visit has been hoicked - the 75th Anniversary of the D-Day landings. Which leads us to an essential mini quiz of questions to be put to Trump in manner of vetting for entrance to said anniversary solemnities, including what exactly is D-Day and can you point to Normandy on a map? That glossed over Trump was in, alongside the biggest gathering of world leaders in this country since the 2012 Olympics.
Meanwhile it emerges Trump has been conducting an unauthorised sideline in form of his own prime ministerial contest, inspired by something akin to the Apprentice, as gossip hounds spotted the likes of Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan-Smith and actual PM contenders Jeremy Hunt and Michael "Who's Michael?" Gove going through the doors of the US Ambassador's residence. Whilst Boris Johnson, it is said, spent 20 minutes on the phone to the President. Trump has already expressed his great admiration for Johnson in these words: "I know Boris. I like him. I've liked him for a long time. I think he'd do a very good job".
This Reporter asks, you know that phenomena where couples in love morph into one another - Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin? Does this apply to a faux love, based on pure political gain, conducted across two continents? Or are the pair simply carrying out the longest audition ever for a new makeover challenge TV show? If so Donald, Boris, "you're hired".

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