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Boris Disaggregates the Barney and Rylan Jostles for PM

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news round-up and this week there has been a concerted effort on This Reporter's part, not to discuss either Boris Johnson or the Tory leadership contest more generally. Let's see how that pans out.

Monday 24th June and Jeremy Hunt is leading the call for his Tory leadership rival Boris Johnson to come clean about the incident with his girlfriend at her London flat on Friday evening. Cabinet ministers, backbenchers and major party donors, not to mention the public, are all expecting Johnson to give some kind of explanation after police were called out by concerned neighbours who heard his girlfriend Carrie Symonds screaming "get off me" and "get out of my flat", accompanied by the sounds of slamming doors and smashing glasses.
Mr Hunt said Mr Johnson needed to show "he can answer difficult questions", before accusing him of appearing willing to "slink through the back door" of No 10 by "pathetically" evading questioning. "Don't be a coward Boris, man up", he added.
At a hustings event on Saturday, Mr Johnson dodged the questions of journalists about the eventful evening, saying people had not come to hear him talk about that but wanted to know more about what his plans were for the country and the party.
As to that, there are real concerns over Mr Johnson's Brexit strategy which, despite being dressed up with long, fine words like "disaggregate", appears to have no clout in reality. Johnson cited there was no need to be concerned about future trading arrangements under a no deal as this would all be sorted out during the implementation period. When the fact of the matter is, without a deal being struck with the EU, there will be no implementation period. Perhaps it would be safer ground to reveal what the dealio is between you and Miss Symonds, Boris...

Tuesday 25th June and photographs of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds, shot through the long grass, have miraculously emerged, which show off not only much hand-clasping and looking into one another's eyes but also Ikea's new range of garden furniture, to aplomb. The images, intended to look like they were taken by chance by a passing photographer, are simultaneously - we are to understand - a much-to-be-marvelled ploy to demonstrate all is well chez Symonds-Johnson, against a backdrop of cacophonous noise over the neighbours breaching privacy laws by recording their late night barney as yelled through the adjoining walls. One thing is certain amidst all this contradiction, the great British public are no fools.
Mr Johnson meanwhile has undertaken what is being coined a "media blitz" following the nickname "bottler Boris" becoming common parlance as of yesterday, when he topped off his repeated refusals for public debate by turning down a head-to-head on Sky TV with Jeremy Hunt. As means of "remedy" Johnson was interviewed by the BBC and said of the Symonds' row, nobly: "I do not talk about stuff involving my family, my loved ones. And there's a very good reason for that, if you do, you drag them into things that, really is, is, in a way that is not fair on them".
Whilst as to his plans for Brexit, he sought to clarify that he was aware that without a deal there would be no transition period and he would actually be maintaining some aspects of the Withdrawal Agreement - his own withdrawal agreement - whilst absolutely promising we would be leaving the EU on 31st October "do or die". Fast forward a day and Boris equally vehemently espoused the odds of a no deal were a "million-to-one against". "Fluid", at best, would be the word.

Wednesday 26th June. "What do you like to do in your spare time?" An innocuous enough question from a journalist to which Boris Johnson replies: "I like to paint. Or I make things. I have a thing where I make model buses. What I make is, I get old, I don't know, wooden crates, and I paint them. It's a box that's been used to contain two wine bottles, right, and it will have a dividing thing. And I turn it into a bus.
"So I put passengers - I paint the passengers enjoying themselves on a wonderful bus - low carbon, of the kind that we brought to the streets of London, reducing CO2, reducing nitrous oxide, reducing pollution". Now read this through again but this time, imagine Mr Johnson has had one too many glasses of punch (or snorts of icing sugar).
There is the sneaking suspicion, of course, that this may be another of Boris' lies. That he began with his idol Winston Churchill's love of painting and in real time we saw how Mr Johnson's elaborate untruths begin to grow within his brain cavity before vomiting forth upon the world. But this could all be assuaged of course if he produces for our viewing "pleasure", a wine crate bus.

Thursday 27th June and following This Reporter's abject failure to adhere to her own proviso as stated in the intro (above) and in the interests of balance, let's use this penultimate of journal entries to check in with Jeremy C...so sorry, Jeremy Hunt. And aside from posing on Instagram sipping a milkshake (whatever could that mean?), cuddling babies for photo opps and feasting via Twitter on cold pizza following an "ask me anything" session under the hashtag #BoJoNoShow, after the Sky TV debate was called off, Mr Hunt had this to say this week: "I have been waiting for this moment for 30 years of my life...I have been sitting around that table thinking about how I want to transform our country. I think this is a moment when I look at Brexit and this incredible moment in our history and we could really unleash our potential, and that's what really gets me up in the morning".
This Reporter thinks it more than fitting for Mr Hunt to conduct the rest of his wait, set to well exceed the stipulated four hours, on a hospital trolley backed up along the corridor of an understaffed A&E.

Friday 28th June and Rylan Clark-Neal who "shot" to stardom on the X-Factor several moons ago has declared this week he could Brexit anyone "under the table".
After being mocked earlier in the year by political journalists for tweeting about Theresa May's Withdrawal Agreement, Rylan took another punt at showing he knows more about what is going on in politics than the next man. He said of the Brexit impasse: "All roads lead to shit. Every single possible outcome will cause riots. Whatever your position, whatever you voted, even if you get what you want, it's still gonna be shit."
Asked if he could do a better job he responded: "I often think I could do a better job. Honestly there are harder decisions to make during a series of Celebrity Big Brother than the ones they're having to make".
Admit it, there was a nanosecond there where you thought: "well, it couldn't be any worse"...

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