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Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails - How we made Boris Johnson

"Beware those men, the jokers and the tricksters and the clowns. They will laugh us into hell" - Years and Years

Monday 17th June and the PM hopefuls took part in a televised debate on Channel 4 on Sunday evening. With the principle objective for Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove, and Rory Stewart being, trying to prove more charismatic and interesting than an empty chair, as shoe-in Boris Johnson failed to turn up. It took until after the ad break for Mr Hunt to address the situation, saying: "I just want to say, where is Boris?" Whilst Rory Stewart, speaking of the leadership contest, gave us the profound: "It reminds me...I was trying to cram a whole series of rubbish bags into the...rubbish bin. And my wife said 'you're never going to get those three huge bags of rubbish in'. And I was tempted, like Michael, like Dominic, to say "believe in the bin! Believe in Britain! Right? It's nonsense", and the conspiratorial: "I hope one of us here wins".
Meanwhile, a reversible superglue very much in manner of dried snail mucus has proved strong enough to bear the weight of an average man. Crucially, scientists found to unglue whatever you are sticking, in this case a volunteer engineering student, you simply douse them with water. This, apparently, overcomes the problem researchers in the field have "wrestled with" for decades, namely that glues can be weak and reversible or strong and irreversible, but never, it seemed both strong and reversible. This Reporter senses this factoid will only grow in significance, moving on.

Tuesday 18th June and Boris Johnson, despite publicly maintaining a monkish silence, according to some colleagues will say absolutely anything, to get people's votes. Rivals say he has been promising "all things to all MPs", particularly when it comes to a Brexit deal, telling hardcore leavers on the one hand he would "rip up the whole thing" whilst also courting centrists by saying a no deal Brexit is unlikely. He has also proved in favour of or against the HS2 rail project, depending on who he is talking to at the time.
Scientists have discovered that dogs have evolved their facial muscles to develop that sad and imploring expression that humans fell for 33,000 years ago at the point of their domestication, known as "puppy dog eyes". Indeed, it has been found that the cunning canines have over time acquired a new forehead muscle named the levator anguli oculi medalis, or LAOM for short, to deploy that doleful expression. Tests are ongoing into whether Mr Johnson has a LAOM, as means of the only explanation.

Wednesday 19th June and the Tory leadership wannabes have been condensed down into a field of five after Dominic Raab failed to secure enough votes from his fellow MPs in yet another voting session. Other notes to make on this latest separating of the chaff from the chaff are Sajid "The Saj" Javid just squeaking through with the requisite 33 votes whilst Rory Stewart climbed quite sensationally from underdog to winning over 37 backers. Boris Johnson - 126 votes.
Swiftly the five were shepherded into the studio for the BBC's debate "Britain's Next Prime Minister" - Mr Johnson's first official public appearance. And there are the obvious comparisons to be made to an ageing Westlife as instead of podiums they were provided with bar stools. A need to swift employ the services of a body language expert to unravel the fact Mr Stewart was the only hopeful to have his feet firmly planted on the ground the whole duration. Why no one took the opportunity for a jaunty sock?
But what must be mentioned ahead of all other things about this debating session, which preceded 'Years and Years', the terrifying BBC dystopian drama which follows the collapse of human civilisation - with some viewers quite rightly saying it was woolly where one ended and the other began - is that on the night there were no clear winners when it came to impressive (reassuring) vision and policy, which is concerning given the message we have heretofore been given, that Mr Johnson is set to walk it.

Thursday 20th June and it has been called to This Reporter's attention that there is still a Labour Party, ticking along, as a story surfaced around a quite extraordinary denouncement of mis-tweet by Labour MP Ian Lavery. It began with discussion on firming up the party's Brexit policy - which obviously did not come to anything - and ended with Mr Lavery declaring his Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet was sent out from it to a journalist along the lines a second referendum stance was a mere cover for revoking Article 50.
Lavery denied having anything to do with it. His official statement runs: "Earlier this morning a tweet was sent from this account...this was not authorised by myself or anyone on my team. Appropriate security updates have been made and I can assure any journalists etc. that it was not a tweet I authorised re. Brexit position". Of course he may not just be trying to get out of it.
Whilst Rory Stewart has been knocked out of the prime ministerial race, losing ten of his backers overnight, which can only lead to the conclusion that the Tory party were made uncomfortable by the truth-sayer. Much happier are they to live in an alternative reality as purloined by the remaining four, Jeremy Hunt, Michael Gove, Sajid Javid, and lest we forget, Boris Johnson.

Friday 21st June and we have our two finalists for Britain's Next Prime Minister - Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt amid rumours Johnson, like some machevelian dough ball, fixed it so Michael Gove was knocked out of the race. Hey ho. They will next undergo an intensive hazing contest before the final casting vote made by the Tory membership - the everyday folk of this country who have paid good dollar - circa 50 pence - to be members of the Conservatives and thus influence the most crucial of decisions, namely in this case, who will be our next Prime Minister. And it feels a good use of our closing moments to look at exactly who these people are we are entrusting so much with.
A poll on Brexit comes immediately to hand in which these Tory members answered they would rather our exit from the EU take place even if it led to a variety of scenarios including 61 per cent in favour of it even if it caused "significant damage to the economy", two thirds saying they would be willing to allow Scotland to leave the United Kingdom and 59 per cent would rather Northern Ireland left than Brexit not taking place at all. Whilst 54 per cent would rather see the Tories "destroyed" than stay in the European Union. (It is said each era gets the Prime Minister it deserves.) They are going to serve us up Boris Johnson.

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