Skip to main content

Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails - How we made Boris Johnson

"Beware those men, the jokers and the tricksters and the clowns. They will laugh us into hell" - Years and Years

Monday 17th June and the PM hopefuls took part in a televised debate on Channel 4 on Sunday evening. With the principle objective for Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Dominic Raab, Michael Gove, and Rory Stewart being, trying to prove more charismatic and interesting than an empty chair, as shoe-in Boris Johnson failed to turn up. It took until after the ad break for Mr Hunt to address the situation, saying: "I just want to say, where is Boris?" Whilst Rory Stewart, speaking of the leadership contest, gave us the profound: "It reminds me...I was trying to cram a whole series of rubbish bags into the...rubbish bin. And my wife said 'you're never going to get those three huge bags of rubbish in'. And I was tempted, like Michael, like Dominic, to say "believe in the bin! Believe in Britain! Right? It's nonsense", and the conspiratorial: "I hope one of us here wins".
Meanwhile, a reversible superglue very much in manner of dried snail mucus has proved strong enough to bear the weight of an average man. Crucially, scientists found to unglue whatever you are sticking, in this case a volunteer engineering student, you simply douse them with water. This, apparently, overcomes the problem researchers in the field have "wrestled with" for decades, namely that glues can be weak and reversible or strong and irreversible, but never, it seemed both strong and reversible. This Reporter senses this factoid will only grow in significance, moving on.

Tuesday 18th June and Boris Johnson, despite publicly maintaining a monkish silence, according to some colleagues will say absolutely anything, to get people's votes. Rivals say he has been promising "all things to all MPs", particularly when it comes to a Brexit deal, telling hardcore leavers on the one hand he would "rip up the whole thing" whilst also courting centrists by saying a no deal Brexit is unlikely. He has also proved in favour of or against the HS2 rail project, depending on who he is talking to at the time.
Scientists have discovered that dogs have evolved their facial muscles to develop that sad and imploring expression that humans fell for 33,000 years ago at the point of their domestication, known as "puppy dog eyes". Indeed, it has been found that the cunning canines have over time acquired a new forehead muscle named the levator anguli oculi medalis, or LAOM for short, to deploy that doleful expression. Tests are ongoing into whether Mr Johnson has a LAOM, as means of the only explanation.

Wednesday 19th June and the Tory leadership wannabes have been condensed down into a field of five after Dominic Raab failed to secure enough votes from his fellow MPs in yet another voting session. Other notes to make on this latest separating of the chaff from the chaff are Sajid "The Saj" Javid just squeaking through with the requisite 33 votes whilst Rory Stewart climbed quite sensationally from underdog to winning over 37 backers. Boris Johnson - 126 votes.
Swiftly the five were shepherded into the studio for the BBC's debate "Britain's Next Prime Minister" - Mr Johnson's first official public appearance. And there are the obvious comparisons to be made to an ageing Westlife as instead of podiums they were provided with bar stools. A need to swift employ the services of a body language expert to unravel the fact Mr Stewart was the only hopeful to have his feet firmly planted on the ground the whole duration. Why no one took the opportunity for a jaunty sock?
But what must be mentioned ahead of all other things about this debating session, which preceded 'Years and Years', the terrifying BBC dystopian drama which follows the collapse of human civilisation - with some viewers quite rightly saying it was woolly where one ended and the other began - is that on the night there were no clear winners when it came to impressive (reassuring) vision and policy, which is concerning given the message we have heretofore been given, that Mr Johnson is set to walk it.

Thursday 20th June and it has been called to This Reporter's attention that there is still a Labour Party, ticking along, as a story surfaced around a quite extraordinary denouncement of mis-tweet by Labour MP Ian Lavery. It began with discussion on firming up the party's Brexit policy - which obviously did not come to anything - and ended with Mr Lavery declaring his Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet was sent out from it to a journalist along the lines a second referendum stance was a mere cover for revoking Article 50.
Lavery denied having anything to do with it. His official statement runs: "Earlier this morning a tweet was sent from this account...this was not authorised by myself or anyone on my team. Appropriate security updates have been made and I can assure any journalists etc. that it was not a tweet I authorised re. Brexit position". Of course he may not just be trying to get out of it.
Whilst Rory Stewart has been knocked out of the prime ministerial race, losing ten of his backers overnight, which can only lead to the conclusion that the Tory party were made uncomfortable by the truth-sayer. Much happier are they to live in an alternative reality as purloined by the remaining four, Jeremy Hunt, Michael Gove, Sajid Javid, and lest we forget, Boris Johnson.

Friday 21st June and we have our two finalists for Britain's Next Prime Minister - Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt amid rumours Johnson, like some machevelian dough ball, fixed it so Michael Gove was knocked out of the race. Hey ho. They will next undergo an intensive hazing contest before the final casting vote made by the Tory membership - the everyday folk of this country who have paid good dollar - circa 50 pence - to be members of the Conservatives and thus influence the most crucial of decisions, namely in this case, who will be our next Prime Minister. And it feels a good use of our closing moments to look at exactly who these people are we are entrusting so much with.
A poll on Brexit comes immediately to hand in which these Tory members answered they would rather our exit from the EU take place even if it led to a variety of scenarios including 61 per cent in favour of it even if it caused "significant damage to the economy", two thirds saying they would be willing to allow Scotland to leave the United Kingdom and 59 per cent would rather Northern Ireland left than Brexit not taking place at all. Whilst 54 per cent would rather see the Tories "destroyed" than stay in the European Union. (It is said each era gets the Prime Minister it deserves.) They are going to serve us up Boris Johnson.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the

Neon, General Strike and BBC "Funky" Two

IN a world where the "people's voice" is being used more as a catchphrase than an actual signal of mass opinion, it is no wonder fashion types are reaching for neon. The traditional preserve of roadside workers and 90s rave fanatics, all garments in bold and brash, fluorescent hues are bang on trend for autumn. This obsession with a retina burning colour palate can only be down to our collective sense of being all but invisible, This Reporter muses. Though others would blame the trend setting power of neon-loving wallflower Kim Kardashian. Wherever you plan to pin the impetus, lime greens, shocking pinks and fluoro yellows are the only colours to be seen in this season (and boy will you be seen), whether hi vis evening wear, neon knits, colour-clash separates or standout accessories, being your chosen poison. This Reporter is, tentatively, opting for this over-sized neon pink turtleneck from Zara. If she hasn't the guts to wear it, she'll stick it on a flagpo