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The Tory Leadership Contest - including the drug's weekender and Lorraine Kelly

WELCOME to This Reporter's weekly news journal and the Tory Leadership Contest has proved unavoidable, with the ten prospective PMs setting out their supplications, ahead of the grand whittling process. No spoilers - but the lucky few making it through the first round - of many - are named somewhere further down below. And one thing is patently clear, if the full ten of them are not, as rumoured, off their heads on something, then we the great British public certainly must be - or perhaps should be.

Monday 10th June and with the Tory leadership race properly "on", now Theresa May has formerly stepped down into a caretaker role (unblocking the Commons' toilets), contestants have launched wide-eyed and twitchy, into the opening round which involves them battling it out to see who has taken the most drugs.
Over the weekend one of the "favourites" Michael Gove added several lines of cocaine sampled during his journalistic years onto the increasing stash table. His hopeful submission follows Rory Stewart revealing he smoked opium in Afghanistan at a wedding, Jeremy Hunt saying he "thinks" he had a cannabis lassi when he went backpacking through India and Andrea Leadsom confessing she smoked cannabis at university, "but never ever since".
Mr Gove's confession, whilst scoring the highest points on the "have you done something naughtier than run through a wheat field" barometer, nevertheless seems to have backfired. He faces calls to stand down from the leadership contest amidst accusations he is a "hypocrite". His critics cite that as education minister, he had called for any teachers caught taking class A drugs to be immediately struck off.
Boris Johnson meanwhile, according to parliamentary pals, is having his media appearances limited, to literally minimise the air time he has for "gaffes". And the strategy appears to be working. Aside from the small matter of threatening to hold back the £39billion divorce payment to the EU and the minuscule mention of introducing tax cuts for the richest in society, he has been completely and utterly, schtum.

Tuesday 11th June and next we have the bit where the final ten PM hopefuls set out their stalls for what we can "look forward to" should they stumble their way into the top job. Matt Hancock handed out his own brand stroop waffles to attendees at the door, Judge Rinder was on hand to provide a "character reference" and on being asked who would make the best PM between Jeremy Hunt and Mr Gove, Hancock declared it was like choosing between children.
Dominic Raab promised a "buccaneering spirit" towards global trade and thus revealed he has been watching far too much 'Pirates of the Caribbean' in a bid to rectify the blunder that Britain was not an island, made last year whilst Brexit Secretary - a role he continues to deny.
Mr Gove, with no evident sense of the irony, doled out festival-style wristbands at his launch and in direct challenge to his greatest rival, spoke the words "don't pull out early this time Mr Johnson...I want us to see this through to the end of the line" - in reference to the events of the 2016 leadership race, amongst other things.
Mr Hunt took to the podium and commenced with the sentence, he'd best first say hello to his wife, if he could find her, before reassuring the audience he was the most "serious" leadership contender, saying the key to preventing the Tories from dying on their feet was to engage young people, not seeming to realise the party had already died on its a***.
The greatest take down of the day however came from an unlikely corner - queen of the sofa Lorraine Kelly, who on being questioned by Piers Morgan on whether she remembered Esther McVey from their GMTV days, Ms Kelly replied: "Yes, I do". But let's be clear, it was not what she said. But the way she said it. Game over for McVey before she even got to the podium.

Wednesday 12th June and day two of Tory leadership pitches and Andrea Leadsom's began with what by any perception appeared to be a march upon Parliament of her own inner team. Chanting, in manner of angry hoarde, "Leadsom for Prime Minister", they reached the electronic gates and meekly swiped themselves in. Upon the podium Leadsom insisted leaving the EU on 31st October was the reddest of red lines before unveiling her #bollockstobercow poster. It was at this point This Reporter consulted her Tory leadership programme to see if she had the right room.
Mark Harper, making full use of the fact no one has ever heard of him, referred to himself as the most "clean skinned" of Tory candidates, distancing himself from both the government and the mess they had created over Brexit, saying - to mildly paraphrase - it had nothing to do with him. He then proceeded with an "ask me anything" session, where one bright spark posed the question, "who would win a fight out of a lion or a bear?". The words of EU President Jean Claude Juncker come to mind when he yet again extended Article 50 and warned, "do not waste this time".
Rory Stewart conducted his leadership speech from inside a circus tent. But far from the most derisable of pitches from the man who rose to fame with his #RoryWalks vlogs, he poured scorn upon the "fairy stories" of the other candidates - delivering Brexit, tax cuts and cash bonuses to certain departments - and in one swift move proved himself the most sensible of prospective leaders and thus ruled himself out of the race.

Thursday 13th June and here comes the moment which some commentators have stated has been ten years in the making, but This Reporter would amend to - a lifetime. Boris Johnson setting out why he should be crowned Prime Minister. It was a smartly coiffured and level-headed Johnson who took to the lectern to set out how he would rectify the mess which was - no argument really - of his own making. It was only when questions were taken from the floor that the real Boris looked in danger of bursting from its Brylcreemed enclosure. On being asked if he regretted his more contentious comments, such as Burqa wearers looking like letterboxes, he said he was only saying what everyone else was thinking and he was never going to stop speaking his mind. However all this was conveyed through an analogy of croutons and minestrone.
Here we pause for an intermission as final candidate Sajid Javid's launch was delayed due to events going on in Parliament, which saw a vote defeated on whether to legally block a no deal Brexit, which means we're almost certainly heading for a no deal exit.
But no time to dwell, we're back on. Javid chose to emphasise his difference. He said: "It wasn't birth right or connections that got me to where I am today". He stressed, as the son of a bus driver, he wasn't like the "Westminster elites" who "never had to fight like the rest of us".

Friday 14th June and the results of the first round of the grand whittling process are in. And bring the wagon round because Esther McVey, Mark Harper and Andrea Leadsom have fallen by the wayside after failing to secure the requisite votes from their fellow MPs to get onto the next level.
Boris Johnson secured the lion's share of the vote (OK, a landslide) whilst the other six, in word alone, are still in contention. The question is what lengths are they prepared to go to make Johnson's boob-by-bloop rise to supremacy more challenging? This Reporter expects nothing short of a Hunger Games-style finale. It's the least we, the great British public, should be offered, before this country ODs on its own absurdity.

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