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Neil Fromage, Scrapping the Sin Tax and Fantastic Arctic Fox

Monday 1st July and Labour is calling for an investigation into an anonymous leak to the Times newspaper that Jeremy Corbyn was too frail to be PM. Corbyn's team have refuted the allegation their leader is not "firing on all cylinders", with a spokesperson elaborating: "Jeremy Corbyn is as fit as a fiddle - people 20 years younger struggle to keep up with him". The leak is believed to have come from civil servants who have been accused of undermining democracy.
Tory PM wannabe Jeremy Hunt meanwhile has said he was prepared to look family businesses in the eye and say their sacrifice was worth it, should they go bust as a result of no deal Brexit. These words came as he insisted a no deal would be necessary, if a deal could not be struck by October, to show the world the UK listened to its people.
Accompanied by the sounds of a whale chorus, TV naturalist David Attenborough made a surprise appearance on stage at Glastonbury to thank the crowds for making the festival plastic free. "Thank you, thank you", was his refrain before adding the effect of his series Blue Planet 2, which depicted the impact of plastic on the ocean, had had a phenomenal effect. This Reporter would like to add in way of coda the whale song was just a recording. They had not travelled all the way to Somerset.

Tuesday 2nd July and Chancellor Philip Hammond has berated PM hopefuls, Boris Johnson and Mr Hunt for making financial promises that just don't add up. Johnson and Hunt have both been making full use of Hammond's alleged £26billion "war chest", lavishly setting out their intended tax cuts and spending intentions - help for farmers in Hunt's case, help for the rich in Johnson's - despite Hammond making expressly clear a no deal Brexit will eat the full £26billion up.
Nigel Farage is livid at Channel 4 for screening a "totally sick and frankly irresponsible" scene in the comedy 'Year of the Rabbit' that shows a right-wing campaigner named Neil Fromage being shot in the head. In the assassination scene in question, Fromage takes to a soapbox and says: "Immigrants infest this city they do...like a cancer". In its defence, Channel 4 has said the characters are intentionally preposterous and not to be taken seriously.
A fifteen-year-old has beaten Venus Williams in her first opening game at Wimbledon. Cori Gauff, who prefers to go by the name Coco, beat the 39-year-old Williams sister 6-4, 6-4. And to put her win into further perspective, she was studying for a science exam the night before her final qualifying game and Williams had won four of her grand slam titles before Coco was even born.

Wednesday 3rd July and the EU Parliament's first sitting got off to what can only be described as a shaky start. The Brexit Party thought it fitting to turn their backs during the official anthem "Ode to Joy" whilst the Lib Dems channelled the vibe of a shambolic hen party, if any other type of hen party should exist, by turning up in bright yellow "Bollocks to Brexit" t-shirts. Magid Magid meanwhile, former Sheffield mayor and now MEP, was refused entry to parliament. Wearing a baseball cap, t-shirt, and black, Magid said he challenges what a politician should look like.
A friend of Mr Johnson's has given him a glowing character reference. Writing in the Telegraph Matthew Leeming, who met Johnson at Oxford Uni, said he was the "greatest talent of a generation". He continued Johnson embodied "effortless superiority" to the point it was "preternatural". "I have always been proud to call this extravagantly gifted man my friend".
Elsewhere, concerns have been raised about plans to fit the otherwise silent London electric buses with futuristic sounds such as bubbling noises or intermittent beeps, when opponents say the traditional sound of the old Routemaster bus would do. A spokesperson for Guide Dogs UK expressed his distaste by saying the sounds were "all very spaceshippy". This Reporter suggests we refer this matter to our resident bus expert (see above).

Thursday 4th July and Mr Johnson has announced plans to scrap "sin stealth taxes" on sugary foods and drinks if a review finds this taxation is having little impact on the country's health. His move comes in direct contravention of Health Secretary Matt Hancock's soon to be published green paper, which aims to extend the sugar tax further to milkshakes and the ban of energy drinks to under-16s. Johnson said he was "concerned" taxing people more may disproportionately affect poorer consumers.
Justice Secretary David Gauke, who senses his tenancy with the Tories is nearly up due to his penchant for controversial statements, has made another, controversial statement, this time attacking "populist politicians" who deceive the public by telling them what they want to hear ( mentioning no names). He added there was simultaneously a willingness by large parts of the public to believe what they are told, meaning a deterioration in public discourse had occurred in recent times.
Ann Widdecombe, Brexit Party MEP, has used her first speech in the EU Parliament to liken Britain's departure from the European Union to the emancipation of slaves. A fuller transcript reads: "There is a pattern consistent throughout history of oppressed people turning on their oppressors, slaves against their owners, the peasantry against the feudal barons, colonies, against empires and this is why Britain is leaving...It doesn't matter which language you use, we are leaving and we are pleased to be going. Nous allons, wir gehen, we are off!"

Friday 5th July and there appears to be something a little iffy around the dissemination of Mr Johnson's campaign literature, after none other than his PM rival Mr Hunt received a "Back Boris" email in his intray. There are serious concerns there has been some kind of breach of data protection amidst suspicions "Back Boris" campaigners have been using contact information stored at Conservative central office without permission. Mr Hunt responded to his email: "Well this is awkward...definitely didn't sign up to this mailing list".
Talking about awkward, it is reported that should Mr Hunt become prime minister he would attempt to reverse the ban on fox hunting. Mr Hunt said he had never - ironically - been fox hunting himself but saw it as a part of the countryside's "heritage". This Reporter would like to direct Mr Hunt's attention to the story this week of the arctic fox that astonished the researchers who fitted her with a tracking device by walking 3,500km from Norway to Canada in just 76 days, earning her the nickname "Fantastic Arctic Fox". Any comment Mr Hunt, in light of this new evidence, staunchly in favour of the fox? Mr Hunt?
This Reporter has received an out-of-office email saying Mr Hunt is currently tied up. Dining with independent farming businessmen Boggis, Bean and Bunce.


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