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"Wacky Ambassador", #AbolishEton and Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo

Monday 8th July and incoming Prime Minister Boris Johnson has jabbed his whetted finger into the air, like a reverse dipstick, to test the latest mood swing of the nation and decreed this week he would best serve himself by backing a no deal Brexit. So here he goes saying he is going to make Britain "match fit" for a no deal departure "come what may", continuing, he was fed up with people claiming it cannot be done. "I have had enough of being told that we cannot do it - that the sixth biggest economy in the world is not strong enough to run itself and go forward in the world".
Over the weekend more than 30 Tories mumbled, in main part, anonymously, that they would block a no deal Brexit, should it be forced through Parliament. Rory Stewart, who became approximately two-eighths living legend for his earlier show in the PM leadership contest, for truth-saying, has gone a little off method with this more revolutionary idea. He declared he would organise an "alternative parliament" across the road should the new PM try to prorogue (existing) parliament to force through no deal against MPs' wishes. He acknowledged his plan sounded a bit "civil warish"  but by means of comfort, added he would call in a retired Speaker to chair the whole thing, such as Betty Boothroyd,

Tuesday 9th July and Donald Trump has blown his top over the leak of internal memos from the office of the UK Ambassador which question the President's competence within the White House. Or to be more specific, describing his running of it as "uniquely dysfunctional" and inept", amongst other good descriptive words. Trump initially hit back by saying the UK ambassador in question Kim Darroch had "not served the UK well", adding - mysteriously - "We are not big fans of that man...I can say things about him, but I won't bother."
But this proved but the warm up act. Later on Twitter Trump let rip at Darroch, Theresa May, Brexit and everything in between, saying: "I have been very critical about the way the UK and Prime Minister Theresa May handled Brexit. What a mess she and her representatives have created. I told her how it should be done, but she decided to go another way.  I do not know the Ambassador, but he is not well liked or well thought of within the US. We will no longer deal with him".

Wednesday 10th July and Jeremy Corbyn has finally "firmed" up Labour's Brexit policy to back 'remain' in any referendum on the Tory's deal. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The whole thing is riddled with ambiguity as it was not made clear what would happen in the event of Labour winning a snap general election. Would they still vote against a deal of their own negotiating to prevent us leaving the European Union and if so wouldn't that just be, objectively, a little bit mental? Yes, you're right, this is all incredibly dull.
What is slightly more interesting is Labour's radical plan to strip private schools like Eton of their privileges and integrate them into the state system should they make it into No 10. The fledgling policy #AbolishEton comes off the back of the fact Boris Johnson would be the second Old Etonion to be prime minister within four years and Holly Rigby, a state school teacher and coordinator of the Labour Against Private Schools campaign, said: "There is no justification for the fact that young people's opportunity to flourish and fulfil their potential is still determined by the size of their parents' bank balance". And whilst still blaring loudly on the boring-ometre, this does mean a potential future reality where our prime minister could be, anyone.

Thursday 11th July and TV naturalist David Attenborough attended Parliament to address MPs and of one thing we can be sure -  the security funnel must have been flung into turmoil with such an unusual substance passing through it; to wit a man of conscience and integrity. And equally Attenborough was out of his own natural habitat as he was passed water to wet his palate in a cup made out of single use plastic.
Mr Attenborough's truth was indeed unpalatable as he said flights could no longer be economical if we are going to save the planet and if that meant poorer families couldn't holiday to Spain, then so be it. This Reporter can't wait to see Boris Johnson selling that one to the punters. His dipstick reads: "decline".
Meanwhile Donald Trump can't seem to drop it. "It" being the Darroch/May/Brexit/Ambassador debacle. Steadily moving up the levels of outrage, this is the latest literary marvel: "The wacky ambassador that the UK foisted upon the United States is not someone we are thrilled with and a very stupid guy. He should speak to his country, and Prime Minister May, about their failed negotiation, and not be upset about how badly it was handled. I told her how to do that deal, but she went her own foolish way".
Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt's reactions speak volumes some might say. To paraphrase Hunt on this week's ITV leadership debate, Johnson went all "Boris for PM and not Boris for this country" about it saying: "I've got a good relationship with the White House...It's very important we have a strong relationship with our most important ally". Whilst Hunt on the other hand tweeted: "Allies need to treat each other with respect...If I become PM our Ambassador stays". The conclusion to this sorry episode is Darroch has been forced to resign or, in his words, "be thrown under the bus" when Johnson becomes PM.

Friday 12th July and This Reporter can report the world is gripped by the dancing antics of a sulphur-crested cockatoo called Snowball. The cockatoo has become an online superstar and intrigued scientists all over the world for his astonishing repertoire of moves from the side-to-side swing and the lunge to the head bang and the vogue - 16 different dance moves in total. And whilst you may be thinking "that's no biggie, what's the fuss", Snowball is the first non-human animal documented as being able to dance to a beat, and arguably trounces many an actual human with this talent.
He has also raised many a bonus chuckle after his image was splashed across the front pages, alongside news stories about Donald Trump. Arguably the only thing standing between Snowball and becoming a first world leader is the fact he hasn't been to Eton.
This is This Reporter's last transmission before the summer recess and when she returns in September we will have a new Prime Minister and a no deal Brexit will be just a few weeks away - as will our moving in date to our underground bunkers. Happy holidays...

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