Skip to main content

Boris Johnson sparkles up the Strictly staircase and Joe Lycett saves a Danish lighthouse

COMEDIAN Joe Lycett is suing the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing after coming a cropper on it's famous staircase.
Mr Lycett, 31, posted to his infinite followers on Twitter a video depicting the moment when he was sauntering jovially up the stairs to what This Reporter believes to have been dubbed the "Clauditorium", to make a guest appearance on the popular "terms and conditions" section of the Saturday night dance contest. Only to trip on one of the steps and fall flat on his face, crushing his pink sequined jacket.
Mr Lycett picked himself up and carried on with the show, ever the seasoned professional, but swung straight onto social media after his segment declaring; "see you in court" @bbcstrictly.
There is a distinct possibility, of course, that when Mr Lycett typed out the words "see you in court" he may have been pulling Strictly's plonker. All in all, this news story could be dismissed as fantasy, make-believe, a classic case of "having a laugh". Fake news.
But when it comes to believability, we are undeniably living in uncertain times. A case in point being the latest twist in the Brexit entertainment extravaganza, which if judged completely on comedic value would be put down as some form of nationwide figment of all our collective imaginations, save that it firmly put paid to the "lols" several months ago.
The latest twist in the not so funny, yet ludicrous, saga began with "Super Saturday", so called as being the first Saturday in 37 years that MPs have had to sit in Parliament, which ended up not so much "super", but more an anti-climax.
This was to have been Prime Minister Boris Johnson's big "razzle dazzle them" moment, confident as he was that, being a man, he would have more chance of passing pretty much the same Withdrawal Agreement through Parliament, only with certain changes, and certainly all in the negative, to former Prime Minister Theresa May's one.
This was all put paid to however by MPs voting in favour of the Letwin amendment, which stated MPs would not vote on the deal until they had had enough time to peruse the legislation and Parliament was disbanded by lunchtime. Good news especially for Tory MP Peter Bone, whose birthday it was.
Not so good for Mr Johnson who had been set a deadline to either pass his deal or ask the EU for an extension to Article 50, by midnight Saturday, which we must again remind ourselves, he has said he would rather "die in a ditch" than do.
As it turns out Mr Johnson thought he had out-foxed the lot of us, though this doesn't seem quite the right animal, not having quite enough of an unpleasant whiff, despite raiding the garbage. Instead This Reporter will plump for coyote. Mr Johnson thought he had out-coyoteed the lot of us when he sent not one but two letters to the European Union - one a photocopy of a pre-drafted extension letter, unsigned, and the second a letter telling the EU to ignore his extension request, clearly signed off "BoJo".
Where this immediately came unstuck in terms of a "master stroke" was when EU leaders took the first letter requesting an extension as red and filed the second letter to a place of its deserving, under "b" for bin, or similar.
Undefeated, or potentially desperate, Mr Johnson tried a second time to get MP's to vote on his deal on Monday which was kiboshed by Speaker John Bercow who said such a move was "repetitive and disorderly" seeing as nothing had changed in the two days since Mr Johnson had last requested a vote on the Withdrawal Agreement - to wit MPs were only on page 11 of 5,067 of the bill and so didn't know what they were voting for.
Cue consternation from the Brexiteer constituency that Mr Bercow should learn to be impartial when there is a strong argument that goes Mr Bercow, far from following his personal inclinations, was merely following the letter of the law. And This Reporter had been under the impression this was what it was all about - British sovereignty and making our own laws. Quite ironic these such laws are proving hard to swallow. Don't tell This Reporter this is actually all about having brand new blue passports?
Tuesday and Mr Johnson, who to take us back to the Strictly staircase of earlier, had certainly on becoming Prime Minister thought his attempt at securing Brexit would be very much Joe Lycett running up the stairs pre-fall, beaming widely, sparkly jacket glinting. Now plodding less certainly, smile more gritted, several sequins fallen from his jacket, he nevertheless somehow managed to wangle a vote for MPs to back "in principle" his Brexit deal, which passed by 30 votes.
Only for the mood to take swift gear change as a second vote on Johnson's Brexit timetable, which involved the alpha male move of "ramming" through his Brexit deal by the deadline of next Thursday (October 31st), was defeated despite several threats along the way from Mr Johnson that if they did not vote for the timetable he would call a general election.
Threats which proved less than empty, if there can be such a thing, as pushed on the matter afterwards he said he was now waiting for the EU to decide whether to grant a Brexit extension before he announced what he was going to do. And there we leave him.
Elsewhere in news which, "whoop whoop", sets off This Reporter's metaphorical radar, a Danish lighthouse has been put on wheels and towed away from the edge of a cliff due to severe risk of it falling into the North Sea as a result of coastline erosion.
Rubjerg Knude lighthouse, 120-years-old, was approximately 200 metres from the coast when it was first lit in 1900 but that distance had shrunk to just six metres. Local mayor Arne Boelt said many things could go wrong when moving the defunct building, which weighs about 1,000 tonnes and sits on a cliff "but it's worth the risk...the alternative would be to dismantle the lighthouse".
Which leads us very neatly back to Brexit and the question of whether at this, objectively, hopeless point in proceedings it wouldn't be better to put Britain on wheels and drag it back from the cliff edge?
Because as it stands Joe Lycett is down there at sea level, where he was fallen, doing his best impression of some wag eking all the originality out of photographic perspective, as they have their picture snapped at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Arms aloft, bearing the weight of the eroding cliff edge, legs in full lunge and gravely in danger of splitting his matching pink sequined trousers.
He's saying something but it keeps getting caught on the wind, what is it? Oh yes, This Reporter feels Mr Lycett is talking for the best of us when he says @borisjohnson "See you in court".

**As point of disclaimer, some events in this article are complete fabrication. It is however still unclear which events this comment refers to, and which it does not.


Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

The inside scoop on Meghan and Harry's wedding - all the action before it's even happened

Fantastic news. We have all been invited to a wedding, and not just any old wedding but the royal wedding of the year (sorry Princess Eugenie) between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. This is what the big day - 19th May, if you still need to jot it down in your filofax - will look like. The girls will all get ready at Meghan's house, taking it in turns to marvel at her dress, by an avant garde British designer we will all pretend we have heard of. We will watch back-to-back episodes of Suits, quaffing glasses of Kombucha, so we can exclaim over how far she has come, all the while trying to reassure Kate Middleton we cannot see the baby sick down her brand new pleat detail dress  from Reiss. (We can). The boys will meanwhile be round Harry's gaff, stuffing themselves on venison burgers and Kettle Chips, before stripping down for a last game of naked snooker - for old time's sake. Reminiscing about ill-advised fancy dress costumes, past girlfriends with posh, fancy names

Theresa May's girls' night in and ice-cream flavoured plimsoles

The fashion world is in a two-and-eight. It has inconceivably come up with a trend which is the complete antithesis of everything it stands for - ice-cream. Let's be honest, no one in the fashion industry has eaten since 1997, subsisting on fresh air and the occasional whiff of Lancome watermelon Juicy Tube (because they're back). Never mind the veritable Pandora's box of worms the issue rears up for the lactose intolerant, and the vegans, who have risen up like a Samuria army since the clock struck midnight on first of January. But fear not, this ice-cream trend is nothing to do with consuming delicious frozen cream (sadly). Instead it is about the chosen pastel colour palette for this spring, leading on to summer 2018. Melting their way down runways there have been strawberry ice-cream coloured jackets from Celine, Acne Studios have offered up pistachio co-ords, Chanel have served us vanilla wafer coloured suits. There have been blueberry swirl skirts at Versace and

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan. Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake. Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix. That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile Mar

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#