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"Hold my (disposable) coffee cup, let's Get Brexit Done" and don't forget the taser

TAKEAWAYS from this year's Tory conference include quite extraordinary scenes involving a disposable coffee cup, the Prime Minister and two of his aides, and all conveniently on #InternationalCoffeeDay.
The scene as depicted via a Sky camera person's rolling footage captures the moment one of the two aides flanking Boris Johnson, as he ambles with great importance along a conference corridor, hands the PM a cup of coffee. Only for a moment later, aide number two to be seen snatching the coffee cup out of Mr Johnson's hand and muttering, sotto voce, "no disposable cups".
What is to be noted about this exchange, which commentators have reported worthy of a sketch in "The Thick of It" but This Reporter would like to compare, rather more loosely, to The Chuckle Brothers of  "to me, to you" fame, is the outlandish belief that following a litany of gaffs, nay, a veritable comedy of errors no less, littering his political career to date, it is Mr Johnson being spotted clutching a cup of coffee in a disposable, and thus environmentally unfriendly coffee cup, that will cause his reputation to be irretrievably soiled.
One has to question where these moral guardians were when - plucking out the more recent of Mr Johnson's cardinal sins as example, as we haven't got all day - he used public money to supplement the business of entrepreneur Jennifer Arcuri who it turns out, unsuprisingly, he knew biblically, and when he pulled off the double whammy of unlawfully proroguing Parliament and lying to the Queen. Ferreting through Mr Johnson's lunchbox for plastic forks no doubt.
In other conference extracts so unsubtle in their political commentary they would never make the final cut in televisual satire, but make for everyday news fodder in 2019, This Reporter must remark upon the ruckus which broke out in the International Lounge at the conference hall on Tuesday that saw a fleet of paramedics and bobbies of the law in attendance.
After excruciating minutes of news blackout where minds were left to wander around what to goodness had been occurring, we learnt a fight had broken out between Cotswold MP Geoffrey Clifton-Brown and the security guards over his attempt to bring a guest into said International Lounge without a pass. This guest it transpired to be, his wife.
Detail is lax on exactly what occurred between the moment security said "I'm sorry pal no pass, no entry" (direct quote) and the call out of all the emergency services, but one can only imagine, and hope, fists were thrown along with the furniture. But this is pure speculation, of course.
As for MP Clifton-Brown, he was expelled from the conference and was cagey when confronted about what exactly had happened. Speaking as one sobering up from an out-of body rage fit he said: "I don't want to comment on it, really".
This as a lone incident would be more than enough excitement but we now have to put this brawl into the context of just an hour later Home Secretary Priti Patel taking to the stage at the conference with the opening words: "Today here in Manchester the Conservative Party takes its rightful place as the party of law and order in Britain once again".
Words that felt peculiarly weighted, and perhaps not in the Tories favour, in light of the incident just an hour before. Ms Patel went on to comment: "The job we ask the police to do is ever more dangerous" as a segue to unveiling Tory plans for more police officers to carry stun guns and taking us on a mere short haul flight of fancy to envisage the headline: "Brawling Tory MP tasered at conference".
Onto other matters and following fleet on foot of the news story that the solution to food shortages post-Brexit is worm farms -This Reporter will allow you a full stop to digest that one. Greggs "the bakery" has revealed its stockpiling plans in the event of a no deal Brexit.
A spokesperson for the chain said top of their list of items to stash away ahead of potential emergency exit at the end of the month were bacon, tuna and pork, for its infamous sausage rolls. A matter of grave importance considering each sausage roll contains a mammoth 20 per cent of pork.
However, the line which This Reporter finds rather more alarming, than all-round lack of pork, is the quote which reads that following on from a no deal Brexit, Greggs will have to "find alternatives for fresh tomatoes and lettuce", which begs the question what those alternatives will prove to be? And how we as a nation got to the point that rather than admit the result of a referendum was not worth the ballot paper, we will lead a life of sufferance with salad bumped out with tree lichen.
But never fear, in manner of postscript Mr Johnson did eventually get his cup of coffee served up in a mug which, if us more cynical folk didn't have a taser pointed at our back, we would mention suggested more than a hint of game playing, emblazoned as it was with the slogan "Get Brexit Done" and gadzooks to the iceberg.

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