Skip to main content

Auld Lang Syne and the owl who was too fat to fly

FROM the strains of Auld Lang Syne accompanying the signing off of the Brexit bill in Europe, to the owl who was too fat to fly through overindulgence, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 30th January 2020.

Such scenes at the formal signing off of the Brexit Withdrawal Bill in the European Parliament yesterday (Wednesday) that one could almost be mistaken into believing there simply wasn't a vestige of sanity left.
This was the last big obstacle before we officially Brexit the European Union at 11pm tomorrow (Friday) with gathered MEPs called to vote on the bill. A landslide 621 voted for and 49 against because at this stage the feeling is "what is the point?", though full props to those who voted nay in a bid to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
EU Chief Guy Verhofstadt said it was sad to see a country leaving that "has twice given its blood to liberate Europe", adding he predicted the UK would eventually rejoin the bloc.
Brexit party leader Nigel Farage meanwhile gave his final speech in the chamber saying: "Well that's it, it's all over, it's finished. We're never coming back". His party then took union flags out of their pockets and started waving them, before the whole crew of them were sharply discharged from the building.
Those who remained, both figuratively and metaphorically, burst into a rendition of Auld Lang Syne and draped EU scarves over their shoulders.
Britons scheduled to be evacuated out of coronavirus-hit Wuhan this morning (Thursday) have been delayed over some hoo-ha about China not getting round to authorising the evacuation in time. As This Reporter went to press it was unclear whether the situation had been resolved.
Some 200 Britons had been ordered to sign a contract to agree to a 14-day quarantine period on arrival back in the UK, with several locations scouted out including a military base and a posh hotel but it appears even this location has not been firmed up yet - or more likely, made public. Floating through This Reporter's head is the phrase "and they were never seen again".
Nearly 7,000 people have now been infected with coronavirus across the globe, with 170 deaths, making this a far more catastrophic virus than SARs.
Donald Trump's border wall has fallen down in circumstances we can categorically conclude reveal greater forces at work. The wall, which incidentally has been scaled down from the "beautiful wall" Trump originally trumpeted about built out of concrete, to a nine metre high steel structure, was blown down in a gust of wind.
It was just a small section of the 3,000km expanse along the border with Mexico, but even so, Trump better take note. Next will come the locusts.
And finally, an obese owl who was found soaked through in a ditch and unable to fly has been put on a diet.
The owl, a little owl (ironically), was brought into Suffolk Owl Sanctuary by a landowner who assumed she must be injured. As it turned out the owl was simply too heavy to take off and has been nursed back to a more "natural weight" and released back into the wild.
The sanctuary said it was extremely unusual for wild birds to get into this condition naturally but where she had been found was very productive land and it's been a mild winter so there was plenty of food around.
"We think she's just done incredibly well for herself and overindulged", a spokesperson commented. "We may see her again - we hope not". Now This Reporter must intervene here and admit she thinks she may have an issue with how she has transcribed her notes. Is this still a quote about the owl, or a quote about our European exit?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Life on Mars, "gangster" Peppa Pig and the Loewe dinosaur trainers

So it turns out Button Moon was a lie. This reporter is of course referring to the 1980's children's TV show, which followed Mr Spoon and his family of fellow kitchen utensils, as they day-tripped off to Button Moon in a junk model space rocket. There the family would enjoy all manner of adventures before returning back to earth in time for tea. Mr Spoon made space travel look a sinch. It transpires space travel is not a sinch. NASA, alongside the European Space Agency, is planning to bring Martian rocks back to earth to see whether the planet is inhabited by aliens. However, this daring mission is not a simple matter of astronauts rocketing up to Mars, picking up a few rocks in their space buckets, and returning back to earth that same afternoon. As it turns out, the whole venture is going to be something of a palaver on the basis we are not, as yet, able to land a rocket on another planet and then take back off again. This means bringing the rocks home will take at le

A&E targets to be scrapped and the Brexit Celebration party

FROM government plans to scrap A&E targets, to Nigel Farage's for a Brexit Celebration party, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 16th January 2020. Plans to scrap the four-hour A&E waiting target have sparked a furious backlash from medical staff, as well as anyone with half a brain. Government ministers led by Health Secretary Matt Hancock have revealed proposals, which would see patients treated in a, widely up-for-interpretation, "clinically appropriate" manner, rather than sticking to the current targets that aim to see 95 per cent of people arriving at A&E in England, treated within four hours. The plans follow the revelation in recent days that hospitals across the country fell woefully under the specified target over the festive period, to 63 per cent. So the question we have to ask ourselves when we get down to the brass tacks of the matter is, do we really believe the new proposals are in the "best interests of the patient