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Brexit Day and the death of the traditional cuppa

FROM Brexit Day finally upon as we exit the European Union this evening, to the traditional cup of tea falling out of favour, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 31st January 2020.

Hang out the bunting, strike up the band and wheel your trestle table out onto the streets for a right old knees up, as Brexit Day is at last upon us. The day which marks Britain's glorious ascension out into the promised land, where the pavements are paved with gold and the trees are made from candy cane (or that may be Willy Wonka). The land of the free, where the world is your oyster (as long as you have a hedge fund). Rule Britannia. Land of Hope and Glory. Roll Out the Barrel and up the apples and pears.
Whoops, sorry, wrong press release...It appears all grand celebrations are off.
Due to what is delicately phrased "the division which still remains in this country" the eventuality of our exit at 11pm will be marked in muted style, with Prime Minister Boris Johnson pressing the play button on a pre-recorded message, which promises to bring the country together.
A sneak preview runs thus: "This is the moment when the dawn breaks and the curtain goes up on a new act. This is a dawn of a new era in which we no longer accept that your life chances - your family's life chances - should depend on which part of the country you grow up in".
This Reporter is pretty sure the speech continues along the lines of "but you won't experience the blindest bit of difference to anything until the transition period expires at the end of 2020, when we will essentially, and there is no finer way of putting it, throw ourselves into the abyss". But This Reporter has not got confirmation on the exact wording just yet.
A light display will be beamed onto Downing Street in lieu of Big Ben not bonging and Mr Johnson is scheduled to hold a reception inside, mainly for staff.
At the stroke of 11pm Chancellor Sajid Javid will hand over the first commemorative 50p Brexit coin, fresh out of the mint, to the Prime Minister and for that eye-watering moment alone, we can say this has all been truly worth it.
Former UK Ambassador to the US Kim Darroch, who was sacked following leaked emails in which he described Donald Trump as "inept", has warned that when it comes to the UK trying to set up a trade deal with the US during this transition period, Trump will always put the interests of America first.
He quashed fears the NHS was up for sale but said Trump would always seek to reward those who voted for him which include, in particular, drug firms and farming communities and it would be "a narrow and rocky path to get to where they (the UK) wanted to be".
And finally, in the most alarming of news quite frankly, the owner of PG Tips is considering quitting the tea business as the traditional cup of tea is shunned by a generation of consumers who prefer coffee and fashionable herbal teas.
Chief Executive Alan Jope explained traditional tea drinkers were a dying breed, with drinkers of black tea "getting older and consuming less and starting to fall over". He said the "younger generation" were "more experience seeking" and plumping for upmarket teas which promised everything from a good nights sleep to an energy boost. And besides the traditional cup of tea is just not that "instagrammable".
The most damning evidence, if you ask This Reporter, that as a nation, we simply don't know who we are any more.

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