Skip to main content

Coronavirus hits the UK (potentially) and Cookies in Space

FROM just over a dozen people in the UK being tested for the deadly coronavirus, to cookies being baked for the first time in space, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Friday 24th January 2020.

Fourteen people have been tested in the UK for coronavirus as it continues to spread across the globe from a livestock market in China. Five tests have come back negative so far but nine people still await their results. Do not fear, however, as Health Secretary Matt Hancock is here to reassure us.
He commented that whilst there was an "increased likelihood" of cases occurring in the UK, we were well-prepared as one of the few countries to have developed a test for the latest coronavirus.
When asked in Parliament whether UK residents should be wearing face masks like they do in China, Mr Hancock replied: "The wearing of face masks is not deemed clinically necessary now, but we will keep that under review and will be guided by the science".
This from the man whose health credentials appear to run to declaring on national television: "I just love waffles, I do" after being caught chowing down on a caramel one, forgive This Reporter for not being completely put at her ease.
Democratic prosecutors have given their third day of evidence against the President in Washington as Donald Trump's impeachment trial continues. Jerry Nadler told the Senate, Trump's conduct was "not America first but Donald Trump first. Impeachment", he continued is the "constitution's final answer to a president who mistakes himself for a king." Trump stands accused of committing an abuse of power by pressuring Ukraine for his personal political benefit.
But what has been clear from the outset is the Republicans of the Senate are completely unmoved by the evidence put before them, to the point there are reports they have been spending much of the trial playing with fidget spinners and napping.
Bingo, apparently, is joining the 21st Century as "woke millennials" ditch traditional calls such as "two fat ladies - 88" for fear of causing offence.
They are said to be opting for more modern calls such as "Wills and Kate". Whilst other amendments, voted for in the Foxy Bingo chatroom, include "gluten-free - 83", "74 recycle more" and "48 not another Brexit debate".
Blake Robson, a 12-time winner of Bingo Caller of the Year, is not impressed, saying: "It would be a real shame to see traditional calls disappear. Rather than new calls, we should teach the younger generation about the old calls.  Bingo is part of Britain's tradition".
And finally, astronauts on the international space station have baked chocolate-chip cookies for the first time. But it proved very much a case of trial and error. It took four attempts to get the cooking time right, with it turning out two hours was about the amount of baking time required, as opposed to the 20 minutes usually required on planet earth.
The slight technicality, as far as This Reporter is concerned, is no one as yet knows how the cookies taste, as they were dropped back down to earth in a spaceflight container and now reside in a lab in the Houston area.
What is undeniable however, is this space baking lark could have altered the face of history, had it been discovered sooner, with Neil Armstrong taking his first steps upon the moon clutching a slice of Victoria sponge cake.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020.

The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up.
Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people.
A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions.
In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives This R…

Pig stalkers, BoJo's Jet and the Zara contrast print dress

Socks off.

Do you remember the childhood rhyme which runs: "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home..."? You do. Well this story is the remixed version.

A man in America called the police when a 'persistent pig' followed him home from a train station, it is reported.

He called the North Ridgeville Police Station in Ohio at 5.26am on Saturday claiming the pig was following him and, understandably, the officers thought he must be inebriated (the man that is, not the pig).

However, on arriving at the 'scene' they found a completely sober man who was indeed being followed by a piggy stalker. One of the officers managed to 'coerce' the pig into his police car (no jokes please) and brought the pig back to the station where he was locked in one of the dog kennels. The pig has since been reunited with his owner.

Time for some news headlines and today it has been announced Sweden has distributed a 'be prepared for war' leafle…

Holidaymakers marooned in a sandstorm and the UK public loses its Eurovision vote

FROM the British tourists stranded in the Canary Islands thanks to a Sahara sandstorm, to the public banned from voting for the UK entry to Eurovision, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Monday 24th February 2020.

Holidaymakers have been left stranded at airports in the Canary Islands after a Sahara sandstorm left the destination coated with dust, and reduced visibility for flying.
Flights from locations including Gran Canaria and Lanzarote were grounded due to the weather conditions leaving passengers forced to sit, and even sleep, on the dirty airport floors.
Holidayers complained about poor customer service when it came to receiving information on flights and organising temporary accommodation, with the general feeling amongst the British being, it was an absolute outrage they were having to extend their holiday by several days.
As reward posters go up on lampposts for the immediate return of commonsense, it has been revealed that despite the recent storms battering the…

Cocktail rings, the sexist book prize and feel good children's literature

"Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose..."

Hello and welcome to the past where suit-clad dinosaurs roam the earth, sexism reigns supreme and women are castigated for stating the bleedin' obvious. There is a silver lining, of sorts. We get to wear cocktail rings again.

So first to the good news, and as this reporter was saying, cocktail rings are making a comeback, big time. The fashion pack has declared an end to minimalist jewellery and instead the mantra is very much "go big or go home".

The rings, which usually feature a colourful gem like an emerald, have been given a mighty great boost in popularity again since the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, wore Princess Diana's Aquamarine cocktail ring to her evening wedding celebrations.

Try the Ophelia cocktail ring, available from Aspinal, for size. But whatever your choice, do ensure the gem is sufficiently gargantuan that its light shines as brightly as the ruby in the Thundercats' sword.…

The porn star set to topple Trump and the horse suit by Chloe

Is it an indictment of the holes in America's political system or the fact we have learnt so much post-Harvey Weinstein, that the most likely person to knock President Donald Trump off his narcissistic perch is a porn star going by the name of Stormy Daniels? Or perhaps, as many are joyfully claiming, it is because this porn star has become a feminist hero - her voice, rather than her body, her super power.

There have been murmurings for some time of how Trump employed the services of Stormy, real name Stephanie Clifford, to provide some bedroom entertainment - shall we say - shortly after his wife Melania gave birth to his youngest son back in 2006.

But it is only now as Stormy, as we shall call her, has announced she is suing the former American Apprentice star for slamming a non-disclosure agreement on her, that we are seeing just how pivotal and important a figure this adult film star could become in what happens to Trump next.

As anyone who follows the misogynistic transgress…