Skip to main content

Meghan and Harry's "Megxit" and Westminster Staff Hailed Heroes

FROM Meghan and Harry announcing plans to "step back" from the royal family to the Westminster security staff who saved a drowning man, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 9th January 2020.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced, via instagram, that they plan to "step back" from their positions as senior royals and instead make their own way in the world. The decision comes amid Harry and Meghan's increasing distress at the media meddling in their family life.
It also became swiftly clear the couple had not consulted any members of the royal family before announcing their decision, with reports the Queen is said to be "furious" and William and Charles "incandescent with rage" - whether out of anger at not being briefed or because they did not think of it first, has not been specified.
The tabloid press, rather missing the point, have led with front page splashes on the Sussexes' abscondment, dubbing the story "Megxit". Whilst royal insiders say Harry and Meghan's extrication from the royal family will be "complicated" and take time. This Reporter exclaims: "Cripes, here we go again".
US President Donald Trump held a press conference following Iran's retaliation missile attack for the assassination of top general Qassem Suleiman, declaring this was the end of the matter. "Iran appears to be standing down, which is a good thing for all parties concerned and a very good thing for the world," he read, continuing, "Our missiles are big, powerful accurate and fast...The fact we have this great military and equipment, however. It does not mean we have to use it. We do not want to use it".
It was at this point the autocue ran out and Trump was hustled away. Reports Trump was rampaging back stage yelling "no one messes with America" are completely unfounded. War Watch 3, however, remains on 24 hour alert.
Spoon-bender Uri Geller has applied for a government job after a call for "weirdos and misfits" to join the civil service. The psychic has put himself forward after Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister's chief special adviser, wrote a blog in which he called for people with "odd skills" to work as special advisers and officials.
Geller, 73, said he was ideal for the job as his career as an entertainer had been a "perfect mask" for espionage but admitted his psychic powers could give him a significant advantage over other applicants. Though he may wish to keep quiet his call last year, for Britons to stop Brexit together by twice-daily bursts of mass telepathy.
And finally, security staff at the House of Commons have been hailed heroes after saving a man from drowning in the River Thames. Commons Speaker Lindsay Hoyle was quite happy to wax lyrical as a key witness, saying Ron Dowson and Habbi Syaaf should be recognised for their bravery.
CCTV images picked up a man submerged in the freezing water near Westminster and Syaaf and Dowson rushed river side to find the man clinging to the steps and struggling to breathe. Dowson called out "grab my hand" and managed to pull him up the first step and to safety before the tide took him. The duo brushed off claims they were heroes, saying it was what they were trained for.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

The inside scoop on Meghan and Harry's wedding - all the action before it's even happened

Fantastic news. We have all been invited to a wedding, and not just any old wedding but the royal wedding of the year (sorry Princess Eugenie) between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. This is what the big day - 19th May, if you still need to jot it down in your filofax - will look like. The girls will all get ready at Meghan's house, taking it in turns to marvel at her dress, by an avant garde British designer we will all pretend we have heard of. We will watch back-to-back episodes of Suits, quaffing glasses of Kombucha, so we can exclaim over how far she has come, all the while trying to reassure Kate Middleton we cannot see the baby sick down her brand new pleat detail dress  from Reiss. (We can). The boys will meanwhile be round Harry's gaff, stuffing themselves on venison burgers and Kettle Chips, before stripping down for a last game of naked snooker - for old time's sake. Reminiscing about ill-advised fancy dress costumes, past girlfriends with posh, fancy names

Theresa May's girls' night in and ice-cream flavoured plimsoles

The fashion world is in a two-and-eight. It has inconceivably come up with a trend which is the complete antithesis of everything it stands for - ice-cream. Let's be honest, no one in the fashion industry has eaten since 1997, subsisting on fresh air and the occasional whiff of Lancome watermelon Juicy Tube (because they're back). Never mind the veritable Pandora's box of worms the issue rears up for the lactose intolerant, and the vegans, who have risen up like a Samuria army since the clock struck midnight on first of January. But fear not, this ice-cream trend is nothing to do with consuming delicious frozen cream (sadly). Instead it is about the chosen pastel colour palette for this spring, leading on to summer 2018. Melting their way down runways there have been strawberry ice-cream coloured jackets from Celine, Acne Studios have offered up pistachio co-ords, Chanel have served us vanilla wafer coloured suits. There have been blueberry swirl skirts at Versace and

"Summer dreams ripped at the seams" - The day we should have Brexit

TODAY - Friday 29th March - was to have been The Day -  the day we Brexited from the European Union. If all had gone according to - if there had actually been a - plan. Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg were scheduled to be there at Dover cliff edge, gardening shears at the ready, to ceremoniously sever, together, all ties with our continental neighbours. In manner of some warped version of the bride and bridegroom cutting into their first slice of wedding cake. Former fireplace salesman, turned Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson would have led the military salute as Salvation Army brass bands from across the country, on pain of death, led a rousing rendition of "Jerusalem", followed by a blast of the Grease Megamix. That's the news of what didn't pan out this week, so what actually did happen? We heard Nigel Farage compared to Blackadder's Field Marshall Haig when Guy Verhofstadt questioned why he was sat in European Parliament and not out on the 200 mile Mar

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#