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Meghan and Harry's "Megxit" and Westminster Staff Hailed Heroes

FROM Meghan and Harry announcing plans to "step back" from the royal family to the Westminster security staff who saved a drowning man, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 9th January 2020.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced, via instagram, that they plan to "step back" from their positions as senior royals and instead make their own way in the world. The decision comes amid Harry and Meghan's increasing distress at the media meddling in their family life.
It also became swiftly clear the couple had not consulted any members of the royal family before announcing their decision, with reports the Queen is said to be "furious" and William and Charles "incandescent with rage" - whether out of anger at not being briefed or because they did not think of it first, has not been specified.
The tabloid press, rather missing the point, have led with front page splashes on the Sussexes' abscondment, dubbing the story "Megxit". Whilst royal insiders say Harry and Meghan's extrication from the royal family will be "complicated" and take time. This Reporter exclaims: "Cripes, here we go again".
US President Donald Trump held a press conference following Iran's retaliation missile attack for the assassination of top general Qassem Suleiman, declaring this was the end of the matter. "Iran appears to be standing down, which is a good thing for all parties concerned and a very good thing for the world," he read, continuing, "Our missiles are big, powerful accurate and fast...The fact we have this great military and equipment, however. It does not mean we have to use it. We do not want to use it".
It was at this point the autocue ran out and Trump was hustled away. Reports Trump was rampaging back stage yelling "no one messes with America" are completely unfounded. War Watch 3, however, remains on 24 hour alert.
Spoon-bender Uri Geller has applied for a government job after a call for "weirdos and misfits" to join the civil service. The psychic has put himself forward after Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister's chief special adviser, wrote a blog in which he called for people with "odd skills" to work as special advisers and officials.
Geller, 73, said he was ideal for the job as his career as an entertainer had been a "perfect mask" for espionage but admitted his psychic powers could give him a significant advantage over other applicants. Though he may wish to keep quiet his call last year, for Britons to stop Brexit together by twice-daily bursts of mass telepathy.
And finally, security staff at the House of Commons have been hailed heroes after saving a man from drowning in the River Thames. Commons Speaker Lindsay Hoyle was quite happy to wax lyrical as a key witness, saying Ron Dowson and Habbi Syaaf should be recognised for their bravery.
CCTV images picked up a man submerged in the freezing water near Westminster and Syaaf and Dowson rushed river side to find the man clinging to the steps and struggling to breathe. Dowson called out "grab my hand" and managed to pull him up the first step and to safety before the tide took him. The duo brushed off claims they were heroes, saying it was what they were trained for.

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