Skip to main content

Trump's Middle East "Peace Plan" and Bisto tin savings rescued from dump

FROM Trump's "win-win" peace plan for the Middle East, to the elderly lady's life savings saved from the rubbish dump, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Wednesday 29th January 2020.

It comes to something when a reality TV star and his son-in-law draw up a peace plan for the Middle East but this is where we find ourselves, in the year 2020.
Donald Trump, who just so happens to now be American President but hit mega fame as the boss man on the US Apprentice, believes he has come up with a proposal that will end the century-long territorial conflict between Israel and Palestine.
"Ably" assisted by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, who typed up the blueprint, Trump has declared it a "win-win opportunity" for all concerned; the Israelis, the Palestines, and ultimately, brand Trump. The technical hitch being, Palestines' resistance, weighted as the plan is - even to the minds of those least impartial - heavily in favour of Trump's new buddy old pal, Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu.
Meanwhile, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given the green light to Huawei 5G despite fears, particularly from America, that letting the Chinese communications firm infiltrate our networks could lead to the stealing of all our personal data and/or trade secrets.
Mr Johnson moved to reassure the doubters by saying there would be a cap on Huawei's involvement in the UK telecoms network to just 35 per cent and it would be banned from "core parts" and "sensitive sites".
The PM got onto the blower to Trump yesterday afternoon (Tuesday) to try and placate him, explaining "market failure" had meant there were few alternative 5G providers available, but hoped they could collaborate to develop alternatives. He is also said to have praised Trump for his peace plan.
If you too are concerned about this particular news story contact This Reporter, putting your message - of course - in code. She'll semaphore you over the address later.
Negotiations on the UK's post-Brexit relationship with the EU will begin on 3rd March, it has been revealed, as Brussels warned that didn't give much time to sort out future trading etc. and the UK was still in danger of a cliff edge departure at the end of the year.
There is good news for those for whom these most challenging of talks are nothing short of inconsequential as they can mark their clanmanship to the Brexit movement with a celebratory tea towel, mug, fridge magnet or lapel pin available to order now, but in fitting fashion - a glimpse into the future - shipment of the goodies will be delayed until the end of next week.
And finally, recycling centre workers spent two hours hunting through rubbish to find old gravy tins containing a pensioner's £20,000 life savings.
The cash was accidentally dumped at Dalmoak Recycling Centre in Dunbartonshire by the woman's family who were clearing out her home. Until she said to her son and daughter "eh up what have you done with those Bisto tins?" and the pair raced hell for leather back to the recycling centre where council workers Tony Scanlon and Kenny McAdam took on the job of finding the cash.
A stroke of luck meant one of the yard's two compactors was out of service and so bags of recycling, including the four Bisto tins in question, had been piled up in a skip waiting, and were soon seized upon by Tony and Kenny who returned them to the relieved duo. Bystanders were said to have commented that the plot line for the new Bisto advert had taken an unusual turn.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Government accused of Coronavirus cover-up and Veggie Corbyn booed at kebab awards

FROM the UK Government announcing it will only release Coronavirus data weekly, to vegetarian Jeremy Corbyn presenting an award for the best kebab, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Thursday 5th March 2020. The Government has been accused of withholding information about the spread of Coronavirus after a 70 per cent increase in confirmed cases prompted health chiefs to stop providing daily updates on the location of new infections. Instead they will be provided on a Friday in a weekly round-up. Thirty six new UK cases were announced yesterday (Wednesday) bringing the grand total to 87 people. A former director at Public Health England said the move to weekly updates should be reconsidered to allow the public to make informed decisions. In related news, the Government is putting in place contingency plans, should the virus outbreak become widespread, to close Parliament for up to three months to stop 650 potential "super spreaders". Which gives Th

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

This Reporter's Weekly News Journal - Nudity, Tied Votes and Floods

Monday 1st April 2019 and news-based April Fools gags are indistinguishable from regular reportage. The British are knackered having lost an hours sleep due to the clocks springing forward. None are so "knackered" however as chief government whip Julian Smith who in interview with the BBC said the current Cabinet had shown the "worst example of ill-discipline in the history of British politics" at a time when the person responsible for political discipline, is him. "I'm knackered," he reiterated. "Dealing with colleagues 24/7, sitting around the Cabinet table trying to destabilise the Prime Minister." Elsewhere, Downing Street, the aforementioned PM Theresa May wakes up from a restless night, a single platitude in her head: "oh bother", as she remembers she still hasn't delivered Brexit. Latest from the DUP runs, should Mrs May bring her deal back a thousand times (likely), they will continue to vote against it every time. Me

Mail Bombs, Ross from Friends and the Dr Marten Boots

FROM the suspected bombs sent out to Trump's critics and Ross from Friends in the frame with Blackpool police, to the resurgence of picket line favourite - the Dr Marten boot, welcome to This Reporter's daily news and style round-up. In the words of many a newspaper columnist, "the rhetoric became real" yesterday (Wednesday) as it emerged suspected explosives had been sent to a host of prominent Donald Trump critics including former President Barack Obama and Democrat presidential nominee Hilary Clinton. The "bombs" were intercepted by the US Secret Service. On the same day the CNN studios in New York were evacuated after a "live explosive device" was found in its mail room. New York police commissioner James O-Neill said the targets may have been selected due to their opposition to Trump. And Trump's constant rhetoric of violence towards his opponents - including most recently praising the "slam-dunking" of a Guardian journalist