FROM Boris Johnson pledging to "crack" the climate crisis but not without the usual bloopers, to David Cameron's bodyguard leaving his loaded gun and a couple of passports in the toilet of a plane, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Wednesday 5th February 2020.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson set out his climate crisis "vision" ahead of the UK hosting COP 26 in Glasgow in November, which will see leaders from around the globe gather for crunch talks on the future health of the planet.
And Mr Johnson was bold in his assertion that under the UK's presidency the summit was sure to "crack it", with Britain's own pledge including to bring forward the phaseout of diesel and petrol vehicles by five years to 2035 and to switch to a net zero economy by 2050.
He said: "Let's make this year the moment when we come together with the courage and the technological ambition to solve manmade climate change and to choose a cleaner and greener future for all our children and grandchildren".
Sir David Attenborough was even on hand to endorse the government's climate promises. But as seems to always be the way with Mr Johnson, what appear to be the most noble of intentions rarely come without the usual accompaniment of tosh and drivel, much like a piece of manky toilet paper clinging to an otherwise well polished shoe.
Hours before Mr Johnson took to the podium he was slated by sacked president of the COP Claire O'Neill - why she was sacked appears to be a matter of intense speculation but there are rumours she voted remain - who condemned Mr Johnson's commitment to climate change saying he had confessed to her in a private moment that he "didn't really get it", and said her advise for anybody to whom Mr Johnson was making promises was to "get it in writing, get a lawyer to look at it and make sure the money's in the bank".
There was also a rumpus brewing yesterday evening (Tuesday) over the availability of Glasgow's science centre for the climate summit, with a memo doing the rounds that Holyrood had already booked it, out of spite, after Nicola Sturgeon was turned down as new COP president. Word is spreading that Mr Johnson may pull the whole event from Glasgow and host it instead in a city in England.
There is a train of thought strong developing that the make or break climate talks are in danger of being overshadowed and whilst the UK's leaders work out their quibbling, the planet is simply going to go K-boom!
British citizens currently living out in China are being advised by Health Secretary Matt Hancock to do everything they can to make their way home as the spread of Coronavirus looks unlikely to abate any time soon.
However, considering there are no planes daring to fly in and out of China, This Reporter has visions of Britons being forced to tunnel their way out Shawshank-style with a spoon, though this won't actually get them anywhere, aside from next door's living room.
But back to the heartlands of reality, and many of them are saying there are substantial reasons why they can't think of leaving, such as the fact they have jobs, houses, pets and families there.
And finally, in what could easily be the opening sequence of a whodunit movie, in which a villain makes his escape down a plane toilet only to have the dawning realisation as he clings to the plane's underbelly that he has left something vital on the toilet cistern - David Cameron's bodyguard is in big trouble after leaving his loaded gun and his and Mr Cameron's passports in the toilet of the plane they were flying on between New York and the UK.
It is said the bodyguard took off his holster whilst he relieved himself and to all intents and purposes appears to have forgotten to put it back on, only for the gun and passports to be discovered by another of the plane's passengers who was said to be so alarmed it was a good job he was already in the toilet.
The bodyguard in question has been suspended and is now under Scotland Yard's investigation.
There is no official word from Mr Cameron, no stranger to forgetting important items, who by the most extraordinary of coincidences has just turned down the role of new COP President. All things considered, the last thing we want is Mr Cameron in charge of saving the planet, and yet there is an argument, it is the least he could do.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson set out his climate crisis "vision" ahead of the UK hosting COP 26 in Glasgow in November, which will see leaders from around the globe gather for crunch talks on the future health of the planet.
And Mr Johnson was bold in his assertion that under the UK's presidency the summit was sure to "crack it", with Britain's own pledge including to bring forward the phaseout of diesel and petrol vehicles by five years to 2035 and to switch to a net zero economy by 2050.
He said: "Let's make this year the moment when we come together with the courage and the technological ambition to solve manmade climate change and to choose a cleaner and greener future for all our children and grandchildren".
Sir David Attenborough was even on hand to endorse the government's climate promises. But as seems to always be the way with Mr Johnson, what appear to be the most noble of intentions rarely come without the usual accompaniment of tosh and drivel, much like a piece of manky toilet paper clinging to an otherwise well polished shoe.
Hours before Mr Johnson took to the podium he was slated by sacked president of the COP Claire O'Neill - why she was sacked appears to be a matter of intense speculation but there are rumours she voted remain - who condemned Mr Johnson's commitment to climate change saying he had confessed to her in a private moment that he "didn't really get it", and said her advise for anybody to whom Mr Johnson was making promises was to "get it in writing, get a lawyer to look at it and make sure the money's in the bank".
There was also a rumpus brewing yesterday evening (Tuesday) over the availability of Glasgow's science centre for the climate summit, with a memo doing the rounds that Holyrood had already booked it, out of spite, after Nicola Sturgeon was turned down as new COP president. Word is spreading that Mr Johnson may pull the whole event from Glasgow and host it instead in a city in England.
There is a train of thought strong developing that the make or break climate talks are in danger of being overshadowed and whilst the UK's leaders work out their quibbling, the planet is simply going to go K-boom!
British citizens currently living out in China are being advised by Health Secretary Matt Hancock to do everything they can to make their way home as the spread of Coronavirus looks unlikely to abate any time soon.
However, considering there are no planes daring to fly in and out of China, This Reporter has visions of Britons being forced to tunnel their way out Shawshank-style with a spoon, though this won't actually get them anywhere, aside from next door's living room.
But back to the heartlands of reality, and many of them are saying there are substantial reasons why they can't think of leaving, such as the fact they have jobs, houses, pets and families there.
And finally, in what could easily be the opening sequence of a whodunit movie, in which a villain makes his escape down a plane toilet only to have the dawning realisation as he clings to the plane's underbelly that he has left something vital on the toilet cistern - David Cameron's bodyguard is in big trouble after leaving his loaded gun and his and Mr Cameron's passports in the toilet of the plane they were flying on between New York and the UK.
It is said the bodyguard took off his holster whilst he relieved himself and to all intents and purposes appears to have forgotten to put it back on, only for the gun and passports to be discovered by another of the plane's passengers who was said to be so alarmed it was a good job he was already in the toilet.
The bodyguard in question has been suspended and is now under Scotland Yard's investigation.
There is no official word from Mr Cameron, no stranger to forgetting important items, who by the most extraordinary of coincidences has just turned down the role of new COP President. All things considered, the last thing we want is Mr Cameron in charge of saving the planet, and yet there is an argument, it is the least he could do.
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