Skip to main content

The Prime Minister's Climate Shenanigans and Cameron's bodyguard leaves his gun in the toilet

FROM Boris Johnson pledging to "crack" the climate crisis but not without the usual bloopers, to David Cameron's bodyguard leaving his loaded gun and a couple of passports in the toilet of a plane, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Wednesday 5th February 2020.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson set out his climate crisis "vision" ahead of the UK hosting COP 26 in Glasgow in November, which will see leaders from around the globe gather for crunch talks on the future health of the planet.
And Mr Johnson was bold in his assertion that under the UK's presidency the summit was sure to "crack it", with Britain's own pledge including to bring forward the phaseout of diesel and petrol vehicles by five years to 2035 and to switch to a net zero economy by 2050.
He said: "Let's make this year the moment when we come together with the courage and the technological ambition to solve manmade climate change and to choose a cleaner and greener future for all our children and grandchildren".
Sir David Attenborough was even on hand to endorse the government's climate promises. But as seems to always be the way with Mr Johnson, what appear to be the most noble of intentions rarely come without the usual accompaniment of tosh and drivel, much like a piece of manky toilet paper clinging to an otherwise well polished shoe.
Hours before Mr Johnson took to the podium he was slated by sacked president of the COP Claire O'Neill - why she was sacked appears to be a matter of intense speculation but there are rumours she voted remain - who condemned Mr Johnson's commitment to climate change saying he had confessed to her in a private moment that he "didn't really get it", and said her advise for anybody to whom Mr Johnson was making promises was to "get it in writing, get a lawyer to look at it and make sure the money's in the bank".
There was also a rumpus brewing yesterday evening (Tuesday) over the availability of Glasgow's science centre for the climate summit, with a memo doing the rounds that Holyrood had already booked it, out of spite, after Nicola Sturgeon was turned down as new COP president. Word is spreading that Mr Johnson may pull the whole event from Glasgow and host it instead in a city in England.
There is a train of thought strong developing that the make or break climate talks are in danger of being overshadowed and whilst the UK's leaders work out their quibbling, the planet is simply going to go K-boom!
British citizens currently living out in China are being advised by Health Secretary Matt Hancock to do everything they can to make their way home as the spread of Coronavirus looks unlikely to abate any time soon.
However, considering there are no planes daring to fly in and out of China, This Reporter has visions of Britons being forced to tunnel their way out Shawshank-style with a spoon, though this won't actually get them anywhere, aside from next door's living room.
But back to the heartlands of reality, and many of them are saying there are substantial reasons why they can't think of leaving, such as the fact they have jobs, houses, pets and families there.
And finally, in what could easily be the opening sequence of a whodunit movie, in which a villain makes his escape down a plane toilet only to have the dawning realisation as he clings to the plane's underbelly that he has left something vital on the toilet cistern - David Cameron's bodyguard is in big trouble after leaving his loaded gun and his and Mr Cameron's passports in the toilet of the plane they were flying on between New York and the UK.
It is said the bodyguard took off his holster whilst he relieved himself and to all intents and purposes appears to have forgotten to put it back on, only for the gun and passports to be discovered by another of the plane's passengers who was said to be so alarmed it was a good job he was already in the toilet.
The bodyguard in question has been suspended and is now under Scotland Yard's investigation.
There is no official word from Mr Cameron, no stranger to forgetting important items, who by the most extraordinary of coincidences has just turned down the role of new COP President. All things considered, the last thing we want is Mr Cameron in charge of saving the planet, and yet there is an argument, it is the least he could do.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

All aboard the pizza ferry, headed for absolutely nowhere new

THIS Reporter wishes to express her fathomless thanks to the Westminster crew, none of whom decided to take upon themselves the tired old trope of making new year's resolutions - on off chance a better version of themselves existed - and instead continue in the exact same farcical way they blundered through 2018. Because despite the fact ministers had, in theory, laid their dispatch boxes on beds of tinsel for the duration of Christmastide, there is still much for us to catch up with. First, but by no means foremost, Sajid Javid, Home Secretary - who it has reached This Reporter via the rumour mill likes to call himself "The Saj" - perhaps short for Sergeant but more likely, Sajid - cut short his luxury £1,000-plus a night safari festive break in South Africa to rush back and deal with what he coined a "migrant crisis" but in reality was two brave souls casting out across the Channel in a rubber dinghy. Nevertheless, Javid called for immediate clampdown on th

Meghan and Harry "grin in the rain" and the Kimono-wearing fox killer

FROM Meghan and Harry making their first appearance in the UK together since Megxit, to the kimono-wearing fox killer who appears to have been cleared of all crimes, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Friday 6th March 2020. Yes that's right, This Reporter is declaring this particular news gathering outlet a Coronavirus free zone as we kick off today's headlines with the news Meghan and Harry, otherwise known as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have returned to the UK and had their photograph taken together, under an umbrella, in the rain. The couple were in town - London specifically - as they wind up their official duties before bowing out of royal life forever, with last night's paparazzi extravaganza related to their attendance at the Endeavour Film awards. With what we can only assume were fixed grins on their faces as they braved the weather, and the fact these moments under the media spotlight, were exactly what they were talking about when

Part-timer Boris Johnson and IKEA, home to (flat packed) stray dogs

FROM Prime Minister Boris Johnson accused of being a "part-timer", to IKEA Italy taking in stray dogs, This Reporter brings you the news headlines on Thursday 27th February 2020. Boris Johnson has been accused of being a "part-time" prime minister by outgoing Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (not a reference, you understand, to Corbyn's sociability but to the fact his time is nearly up). Chief amongst Mr Corbyn's complaints is Mr Johnson's poor response to the UK flooding. Corbyn argued Mr Johnson had had his "head in the sand" while parts of the UK remained underwater, during Prime Minister's Questions yesterday (Wednesday). He pointed out that whilst Mr Johnson had been eager to visit flooded areas during last year's election campaign, he had failed to visit areas affected by Storms Ciara and Dennis. In his defence, the PM responded that the Government had been "investing massively" in flood defences and he had been kept upda

Children lose sleep over climate anxiety and Boris Johnson's paternity leave

FROM young people surveyed by Newsround revealing their climate anxiety, to Boris Johnson announcing he will "almost certainly" take paternity leave, these are the news headlines according to This Reporter on Wednesday 4th March 2020. A survey for BBC Newsround has found that children are losing sleep over climate change and the environment. Two thousand children aged between eight and 16-years-old were given the opportunity to answer questions on climate anxiety. And the results overwhelmingly showed that most children  - four out of five - considered the problem of climate change important to them, while three out of five were worried about the impact climate change would have on them when they're older. One in five have even had a bad dream about it. But when asked about the action being taken by grown-ups to tackle the problem, two in five don't trust adults to tackle the challenges and nearly two-thirds say leaders aren't listening enough to young people&#

Summer Riots, Eskimos and Camping It Up at the MET

THERE will be riots on the streets if the Government continues to roll out its controversial Universal Credit benefits system. That is the warning from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown who predicts a return to poll tax-style chaos and a summer of discontent if Theresa May does not call a halt to the scheme. The Universal Credit system combines six benefits in one and is set for a full national roll out next year, despite countless reports of claimants already on it being plunged into dire financial straits as a result. Mr Brown said: "Surely the greatest burning injustice of all is children having to go to school ill-clad and hungry. It is the poverty of the innocent - of children too young to know they are not to blame". This Reporter comments, it really must be a sign of the times, that Gordon Brown returning as Prime Minister seems a welcome idea. Moving on and President of America, Donald Trump has declared his daughter Ivanka would be "dynamite" as the